October 24, 2011

Hanging up my blogging shoes...for awhile

I have come to a difficult decision….I think I am going to hang up my blogging shoes for awhile so I can just focus on a few things. I feel that some of my blogs could be classified as Class A Debbie Downers and that’s not why I choose to blog. 

I have a lot on my plate……..stressing about the move, wondering if I am going to have enough money to make it work, making sure the kids are on track with their classes, making sure I make time to complete my assignments, trying to deal with the realization of loosing the money I put into a car that I have to unfortunately give back because of the current situation. The frustrations pertaining to my current situation/marriage and most importantly my faith because even though I know God has a plan and we have to put our lives in his hands……………………..this is what I did 2 ½ years ago, but did I really put it in Gods hands? Honestly, I haven’t gone to church since this all happened…………..i’ve listened to my Pastors sermons online but that’s just not the same as going, because I’m not really fully paying attention. I haven’t closed myself off ….that’s not what I’m saying…….I just have some personal, deep rooted issues that I need to work out. 

Certain things I feel aren’t fair..I flipping work my ass off and have through out  my whole life and certain people can just slide by as like nothing has happened, can lose a job but yet money comes to them, can come back and live in a house like nothing has happened………………..

Anyways……..until my life is a little bit more together and less stressed…….i’m going to take a little break……lets see how things go after the move which is in 2 weeks.

October 20, 2011

Just venting....

I’m beyond stressed and annoyed today. I can’t stand knowing that all he gets to do is come back into the house once I leave and pick up where he left off…well minus me and my 2 dogs. He doesn’t have to come up with stupid deposits for the electricity ($101) , gas ($50), Time Warner ($240)(cable,internet,phone), and let’s not talk about the first and last for the apartment plus pet deposit ($1000 +), or the Uhaul ($40 +) that is going to move all my stuff. By his lack of self control that one day, my children’s life and mine have been turned around, yes for the better……….but still inconvenient and stressful. I have to give up my Explorer, ruin my credit because I can’t afford a place AND a car payment (thank god I didn’t sell my car which was paid off), I have to move, I have to come up with money that I don’t have, I have to rent “to own” just to make my place a comfortable living situation for me and my children. Again while he sits at HIS home, with HIS children ……….not having to give up anything or be put out. How does that make sense? He did the crime…..and then some, but it’s costing me an arm and a leg.

I’m sitting here at work trying to keep it together…..I haven’t broken down in weeks just because I’ve been too busy with trying to get things packed for the move and figuring out if I am going to have enough money for EVERYTHING. I am trying to stay composed in front of my kids because other stresses have appeared and those need to be addressed.  I’m kicking myself for selling my things when I moved in with him 2 years ago, but again how was I suppose to know that this would be our future? I guess I really never had a place considering he never gave up some of his dresser space, only gave me one drawer in the night stand on my side…..I was only lucky enough it get a plastic multi drawer thing in the closet and a broken dresser….which I can’t even get into…..so I have no idea what clothes have been held captive. It would have been nice for him to fix it all those times he was at home not working or even making room for me in his dresser…..but whatever……that’s another thing I need to add to the list of things I need…………a dresser!!

It’s not like I haven’t been on my own before, I have………………..but see he was my best friend and he went and put us in this position. Yes, I’m not saying that he is completely at fault we have been spinning downward for quite some time…I just wished he would have taken control of HIS life when I asked him to instead of lecturing me about my life and my weight. There are so many things that happen in my day that I would normally share with him but now I just keep it to myself. Whatever…..I will get over it like one day I will get over fearing him but I know that will take a very long time.

But right now, I have to figure out how to make ends meet for this move and maintain focus while I am at work because this is what pays the bills and takes care of my family.

October 19, 2011

I have to do ...what??

I hate having to stand up and present to others. I don’t mind training on a one on one basis but when my boss approached me last week and told me that I had to give a presentation on customer service at the next department meeting,  I had flash backs of grade school, junior high and high school. Now, I don’t have any of those horror stories where I had a whole class laugh at me or that I made a complete full out of myself. I really don’t know where the fear came from, maybe somewhere in my subconscious there is a memory that I have locked up and buried but all I know is that I would wish for the flu or I just took the F in school if it meant that I had to present in front of the class ALONE. Come to think of it I was too nervous to give a speech at my sisters wedding!!!

As the days approached to give the presentation I managed to push it in the back of my head, I didn’t want to deal with it. Well Monday came and I knew Wednesday was just around the corner and I hadn’t even started prepping for the presentation. Monday night came and I couldn’t even settle down,  I have known my co-workers for more than 4 years so you would think I would be comfortable enough to stand up in front of them, but nope……..and what in the world am I going to talk about that hasn’t already been said week after week?  Tuesday morning came….urgh……I scanned articles online and put something together and gave a proof to my boss to review. I got the big 2 thumbs up…..that didn’t help the nerves……which carried on to this morning and when I’m anxious I get the most uncontrollable stomach ache so I made the conscious decision to not eat or drink until after the meeting!!  My boss who was aware of my stupid childish fear told me everything was going to be ok and then threw in a big unexpected AND  “by the way the other department head wants you to present in their meeting as well!” ………...OHHHH MYYYY GOD!!! Seriously???? yes….so seriously!!...............i had NO time to fake an illness because the meeting started……under the table my leg were shaking and I felt my nerves get the best of me. Then it was my turn……so I did my best and gave my presentation, I knew I stumbled over a few things but as I looked around the room , I saw my close co-workers and my boss sitting there smiling on.  The second presentation went well also……and I got positive feed back afterwards!!!!  

Has today cured my fear……HECK NO!!!  I hope I’m good for quite sometime!!

October 17, 2011

Lily says "TIME OUT"

This is Lilys way of saying "enough with the homework already!!"......but what's she's forgetting is that I've just spent an hour or more playing with her and her son Dart!!!

October 15, 2011

Moving ....again

I hate moving..............I hate the whole packing process although I've moved so many times that I should have the routine down. Tape, Marker, Trash bags....boxes.....and a new item that has made it onto the list .....WINE!!

So this is how I'm spending my Saturday and I have to admit I'm a bit annoyed. I didn't think I would ever have to  move again and even though I'm not a hoarder....I have my fair share of stuff, but I guess this gives me the perfect opportunity to toss a lot of things out that I don't need, want or WANT to transport to my new place.

October 14, 2011

Fake Forgivers

This is something that was brought up in counseling this morning. For the past week I have been told by a friend who is very deep into the church that I need to forgive the Mister for the incident that happened a couple weeks back. Now, I know that God is a forgiving God and I know that I was taught in Catholic school to forgive others because God forgave us for our sins……but here’s where I am at. If I “forgave” him without a pure heart then I really haven’t forgiven his actions and I wouldn't really have moved on. 

My counselor agreed and mentioned how she recently went to a religious seminar and the topic was fake forgivers. She proceeded to state that there is no timeline for you to forgive someone especially when the incident of the action was still fresh.  For her she stated that when she grows irritated at her own anger or realizes that the issue isn’t relevant to her present then she has to forgive to be a better person for her own personal growth. She brought up a scenario that when something of a horrific matter happens and you hear that a family member declares they have forgiven the person the following day it’s not really forgiveness……because again the matter is still fresh and you haven’t dealt with the feelings of the situation. 

I admit I’m guilty of being a fake forgiver. I would pretend to forgive the person but because I never quite put it behind me I always seemed to throw the situation out there as a dig….a hurtful dig. I knew it was wrong and I knew that it was wrong for saying I forgave the person for their actions when in fact I was still holding onto the hurt and not working on confronting the hurt or situation. I’ve learned now that forgiveness is completely letting go of the past, it’s pain, its anger and grief. Forgiveness is operating in the here and now, where the even t is no longer occurring.

I know I’m not ready to forgive, for me the inward scares are still so fresh. I’m not saying that I will never forgive…..I will, but in time. I need to know that it’s pure and not fake.  In time my anger and fear will work itself out with prayer and counseling…..and each day is a new day for self growth.

as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. 14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.
Colossians 3:11-15

October 12, 2011

Never quite good enough

When I first met the Misters family I got the impression that they were about family and it even became more evident when we announced we were going to get married. Talk about being swarmed with unconditional love, his mother called to talk to me about my day, her day, the wedding almost daily. His father would greet me with a hug and a loving smile, there would be girl lunches and family parties ;I felt like I hit the family jack pot .  HIs mother would often tell me that they were my family now and this was due to the strain I have with my parents.

Things changed drastically when we cancelled the wedding due to issues that needed to be resolved prior to us taking such a big step of “For better or worse”, it was like one minute we were one big happy family, going to lunches and fittings and then the next minute “poof” it all disappeared. His sisters stopped calling, stopped returning my calls, his mother grew cold towards me and the hugs from his dad stopped. The family get together (beside the Christmas party) we no longer, it was strange. It took me awhile to understand the new family dynamic and how his mother’s word wasn’t so. Even after we got married things never returned to what I was introduced to. I have to admit I was sad, it was all a fa├žade and this family wasn’t as close as they claimed to be but I accepted it and moved forward. I was touched by my mother in laws gracious and kind gift a few months back to send me to see my sister for a nice little weekend vacation, which I seriously needed.  Of course in the back of my mind I was thinking “whats the catch?”, “when will I have to pay it back”, but she said it was a gift and told a story about her relationship with her sisters. Yet again this gesture came out of nowhere but I thanked her from the bottom of my heart.

Imagine my surprise when I found out how my mother in law really felt about me. I knew she was upset about the incident that went down between her son and I, I was amazed how she condoned his actions and made me feel like I was a “nothing” in her eyes or to the family. I was saddened how she threw in the fact that I had a vacation on her dime and now she can’t take one because she has to bail out her son. I didn’t ask them for any assistance to see my sister, I would have found a way to spend time with her but now her act of graciousness was tarnished. I allowed her to speak her peace which wasn’t so peaceful, it stunned me actually and there standing beside her while giving me the riot act was my father in law with his head hung low. I did explain to her my actions, which I shouldn’t have but I did. I thought eventually she would see things clearly and not be so judgmental towards me, but I was wrong. It’s just getting worse, she now is feeding the Mister negative thoughts about me like I am going to take him for all he has (to that I say…what does he have?), I’m just going to run off with another man, I’m evil, I never loved him, and heres what really hurt to hear, she stated that if the Mister didn’t share all our drama with her she wouldn’t have all this anger and hatred towards me. It’s as if she’s saying “only if she (me) would have been submissive and not bring the tiger out of my son this wouldn't have happened therefore this was all her doing”.

I know she was delighted to hear that I was moving out of her son’s home real soon and although she claims she will stop enabling her son, I really don’t believe it. It just breaks my heart that she sees me as this woman who is only out to destroy her son’s life.

I remember that Sunday afternoon hours after the incident and my mother in law stood there telling me and a few others about how she tells her granddaughters that if they find love make sure the man they fall for doesn’t have a mom. Yes, I know…..we were all confused by this statement. She continued to state that she tells her granddaughters to run the other direction if the man’s mother is still living because nothing good will come out of it, because the mom will always be part of her sons life in all aspects. To this a few stepped in and debated this statement but she was dead set on standing true to her statement. I then thought...."is this what she would have liked me to do with her son before I met his family.....high tail it the other way and give up on the chance of a love so grand?". From the sounds of it.....maybe.

She stated that she was always made to feel by her mother in law that she wasn't ever good enough for her son and how that made her feel awful.......well, if she could only look at how shes behaving. It's not any better than how she was made to feel by her mother in law. .........right?

October 10, 2011

What a day....I'm glad it's almost over

When I woke up this morning I knew what day it was but I tried to not acknowledge it. I went about my morning routine-took the dogs out, bowls full, Shower, picked the house up from the dogs rough housing this morning, took my blankets and pillow from the couch to my bedroom (lately I’ve felt more comfortable there), I caught myself occasionally touching that ring that wasn’t there on my finger, instead there that indention of a ring that once was. I kept stating my must do list to myself just so I could stay on track. Crap, I have ten minutes to get to work, where did the time go. 

On my way to work I gave myself a little pep talk “ keep it together, don’t show them that you are down, don’t show weakness, focus on the tasks at hand, when a thought of the moment comes into your head banish it quick, work hard today, theres no need for interference”.  I’m pumped, I’m together and when I sit down at my desk my boss comes to me and in front of the office says “Happy Anniversary!” and pats me on my shoulder.  “uhm thanks” I said and logged into my computer, trying to hold it together. “Why did she have to mention that, why after all she knows regarding what happened, why would she say that?”  Within minutes by pep talk vanished from my head, clueless co-workers would stop me in the break room or bathroom asking how my weekend to San Fran went or asking if I was receiving flowers today or doing anything special. Those moments I just wanted to click my heels together I say “I want to go home, I want to go home”, or yell to Scotty to “Beam me up”!  But I’m not that lucky. I pacified their questions with an “ohh I don’t know” or “it was a nice weekend” (when it wasn’t) and hurried my way back to the safety of my cubicle. That’s when it hit…….that tonight I will be enjoying a Lean Cusine for dinner and a glass of wine ALONE, while he will be surrounded by his mommy and daddy getting sympathy or contacting some old acquaintances looking for attention.

See that’s were we are different. He will call people, mostly women to fill his void during troubling times it sort of reminds me of the time he got fired from a previous job. Somehow having them hear his side validates his actions, gives him a sense of “some one cares”. Where I close up and this is my only outlet. I don’t pull out my phone and feel the need to share the situation, I don’t NEED to include our friends, family and acquaintances in on this matter. I don’t even like talking to my good friends, sister, cousin or parents about it. They don’t need to be sucked into the drama……………and I know that they are just concerned but I don’t want to talk about it.  I already know that the wall that was broken down is now up around me, it’s even stronger than before. I’m full of so many different emotions that I can’t make sense of them all.

October 08, 2011

A beautiful song ...... at the right time!!

After I wrote the blog below I came across a blog by Beautiful Mommy Feet and on her play list was this song.......a song that I knew I'd hear in church. A song that I needed to hear ...............I will NOT be afraid because I know My God will protect me.

Thank you.........

Fat Ass Pig

I’m wishing these dogs would settle down. I need quiet. I attempted to go to church tonight but I broke down in the parking lot. I broke down because we go to church together; I broke down because I feared he would show up, I feared that maybe he’d go to the house when I wasn’t there. I’m a mess. Nothing and no one should keep me from attending church, I shouldn’t be fearful but I was and I turned my car around and headed home. 

I have been keeping it together in front of my kids this week but tonight they are with their dad and it’s been a day from hell. I try and keep the Mister out of my head…….but fear creeps in…...a car that sounds like his sets me off, when I went to the store I look to see if he’s around,  a mutual friend came by to get some of his things and tried to tell me things that the Mister shared with him. I explained to my friend that I didn’t want him to be the “middle man” anymore, it wasn’t fair for him……..it’s not. 

I’m full of emotions and I know this blog is all over the place but that’s too be expected after a glass of wine and a mind full of mangled mush. We were supposed to be in San Francisco tonight with my friends Leslie and Ed, we were supposed to be going to 49er’s game tomorrow, we were supposed to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend…………………….but I’m home with my 4 dogs and he is off doing whatever he’s doing. Yahooing ex girlfriends, talking to whomever for attention and sympathy. Sympathy my ass!!! He even had the nerve to call my friend to apologize for his actions last night…….what an ass!!!  He’s done damage that he doesn’t even know about. He promised he wasn’t like the others ……. He promised to protect me, what a great job he did.  Being fearful is the worst…..it traps you. Being full of anxiety numbs you…….and this is all because of him…….Happy Anniversary to me!!!

OHHHH and to top it off…..I feel like Miranda in Sex and the City where she made herself a chocolate cake and kept going back to it only to pour soap on it …. I made myself some brownies….. you know, chocolate/wine/girly flick without the girlfriends……..well……I’m about to pour dish soap on those brownies because I don’t need to gain weight during this mess…..the last thing I need to do is look like a fat pig…..OHHH wait ……I am a “F’in fat ass pig” as the Mister stated to me last Sunday!!! 

October 07, 2011

Keeping it together

Tonight we were supposed to be packing for our one year anniversary trip to San Francisco, instead I spent the day at the courthouse filing a restraining order against my husband.  He hasn't been back since last weekends occurrence and he won't be back for awhile. No, he's not in jail.....his mommy bailed him out of that mess. So he's staying with his parents and taking care of his issues. 

As far as me well, I'm taking it one day at a time. I have my moments of break down, unexpected tears falling when I'm in line at a check out stand and I look over and there's a man telling his wife he loves her, or like yesterday when I was at my sons football game and a couple was cheering on their son, the husband looks over to her and says "you're so pretty, I love you".  I tried to be incognito and wipe the tears away but you can only do so much, so I sat in my car until I could get it together. 

When the anxiety hits I use the tools my counselor said I should do.....sometimes it works and sometimes well I just get upset. Who wants to imagine themselves on a beach when you're ticked off at the man who was suppose to protect you? I don't!!!   I know some day I will get over the fear, get over the anxiety and become strong again....but it will take time.....................a long time.

October 03, 2011

it all changed in a blink of an eye

The unexpected happened, and life as I know it will never be the same anymore. I had wished our marriage was important to him. I wish he would have just stepped back, walked away and took control of his anger .......now we are all having to face the consequences. a broken marriage.

more to come..........