October 08, 2011

Fat Ass Pig

I’m wishing these dogs would settle down. I need quiet. I attempted to go to church tonight but I broke down in the parking lot. I broke down because we go to church together; I broke down because I feared he would show up, I feared that maybe he’d go to the house when I wasn’t there. I’m a mess. Nothing and no one should keep me from attending church, I shouldn’t be fearful but I was and I turned my car around and headed home. 

I have been keeping it together in front of my kids this week but tonight they are with their dad and it’s been a day from hell. I try and keep the Mister out of my head…….but fear creeps in…...a car that sounds like his sets me off, when I went to the store I look to see if he’s around,  a mutual friend came by to get some of his things and tried to tell me things that the Mister shared with him. I explained to my friend that I didn’t want him to be the “middle man” anymore, it wasn’t fair for him……..it’s not. 

I’m full of emotions and I know this blog is all over the place but that’s too be expected after a glass of wine and a mind full of mangled mush. We were supposed to be in San Francisco tonight with my friends Leslie and Ed, we were supposed to be going to 49er’s game tomorrow, we were supposed to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend…………………….but I’m home with my 4 dogs and he is off doing whatever he’s doing. Yahooing ex girlfriends, talking to whomever for attention and sympathy. Sympathy my ass!!! He even had the nerve to call my friend to apologize for his actions last night…….what an ass!!!  He’s done damage that he doesn’t even know about. He promised he wasn’t like the others ……. He promised to protect me, what a great job he did.  Being fearful is the worst…..it traps you. Being full of anxiety numbs you…….and this is all because of him…….Happy Anniversary to me!!!

OHHHH and to top it off…..I feel like Miranda in Sex and the City where she made herself a chocolate cake and kept going back to it only to pour soap on it …. I made myself some brownies….. you know, chocolate/wine/girly flick without the girlfriends……..well……I’m about to pour dish soap on those brownies because I don’t need to gain weight during this mess…..the last thing I need to do is look like a fat pig…..OHHH wait ……I am a “F’in fat ass pig” as the Mister stated to me last Sunday!!!