June 30, 2011

Hanging on by a thread

With the marriage holding on barely by a thread we have decided to give counseling a try......again. How did we get to this point you ask? Well…..with the stress of finances and disconnecting on different levels of our relationship, a week can’t go by without some sort of stupid argument that escalates to a screaming match to where he either is in the face of my kids yelling and i'm in the middle telling him to back off.....because my kids won't back off when they know their mom has been disrespected,  or he’s raising a fist at me.  After our temper flare up it’s hard to have a civil conversation. I am stubborn and beyond stressed due to carrying the financial load and refuse to have my husband raise a hand at me in anger and when I bring this up he ALWAYS brings up that I have done the same. …..yes I say, but that was before learning how to deal with my temper in counseling a year and a half ago and I haven’t done that since. Considering he has to reach that far back to pull something out of his “you know what” is ridiculous.  I listened in counseling.....and know violence isn't the answer.

I’m not sure what these sessions are going to do for us. It’s not going to solve our financial issue, it’s not going to make him grow some balls and stand up to his employer and ask “you state I’m going to get my days back and to be patient….it’s been a month, when will I see myself on the schedule for more than 2 days?”.  It’s not going to put an end to his breastly anger….it may trap it for a few months like before, but it will resurface again….just give it time. I doubt it’s going to change the way I see him right now…..my respect in him is dwindling, I feel taken advantage of. Maybe it’s from the things that he has called me, maybe it’s because he states I had something to do with him getting fired from his previous job (i'm not the one who couldn't manage to get to work on time I'm not his mother and shouldn't tell him when he has to go to work) or maybe it’s because he can put me down in front of my children.

I'm not saying that I'm an angel and it's all his fault. Like I've said I have a temper and when push comes to shove my mouth will go off. I fear getting hurt and that insecurity comes out,  my stress just comes down to me holding up the household. I believe that if the man is capable of working then he should do everything and anything to support his family.  Not sit there and involve his children and tell them that I think he's a loser.......because I don't. I know that he is capable of supporting his family but for some reason to me he seems to be in a stagnate unmotivated state. I don't like knowing I am not giving 100% at work because I'm stressing over bills and having to ask for extensions for the utilities or having to worry about the state of my marriage. I never would have expected my husband to get in face to face heated matches with my children.......he needs to be the bigger person and walk away and not get into a screaming match with a teenager and then telling them that their mother is a asshole. I never would have thought he would have the nerve to blame me for losing his job......again, I'm not his mother and shouldn't have to tell him what his schedule is. He's an adult and should know his schedule......yes, it was stressful back then, we were planning our wedding.....but I still have my job and didn't forget when to come in. So to blame me for his lack of simple intelligence is shocking.

This isn’t the type of marriage I want to be in and even though he can sit down in front of me and cry and say he’s sorry….i just don’t buy it because I’ve heard it all before.  So  I’m not sure if this can be fixed, let alone be saved.  He states he loves me........and I love him but love is not going to save this marriage. Theres alot of components that make a strong marriage......but when the friendship is being questioned, respect is faltering and the structure is cracked......I can't see us coming back from this.


Simply not invited!

The last family reunion I attended was right before I left Wisconsin to move back to California. I have known that family reunions have come and gone with no invitations ever coming in the mail. I wasn’t really bothered because I knew I would see my family members…aunts…uncles…cousins at my sisters wedding renewal ceremony. That was 3 years ago.

During mommy and daddy dearest recent visit they happen to ask if I was going to the reunion. Perplexed I asked “what reunion?” , “ohh you didn’t get your invitation? I gave you them your address”.My mother said. My dad responded "oh we haven't received our invitation yet either".... Then the conversation dropped.  No mention of the reunion. I figured that it was probably in a couple months and I would see something pop in the mail soon. ….wrong. I was made aware 2 days ago by my sister that the reunion is this weekend and that she received the invitation last month and an email regarding the reunion.  This weekend!!!  I then go back to my conversation with M&D dearest and they never really told me when the reunion was and why would they ask if I was going to the reunion when they knew I hadn’t planned any trips to Illinois or Wisconsin, and knowing how they are, I truly doubt they gave my address or email address to anyone.

Would you have gone? Has been the question that’s been thrown around and in all honesty…..if I planned it right and the money was there then yes I would have went. I wouldn’t have gone to see M&D dearest, I would have gone to see my sister, nephews and other family members especially my cousins. It should have been my decision not the decision of my parents.

---God knows I need a vacation. 

I called the mister and told him that I emailed the lady who is putting on the reunion, just to make sure she was given my address like my parents had claimed. I also mentioned to the mister that if I had the money I would book a flight right now and head to the reunion this saturday. Then out of no where the mister says "is that why  you have alot of animosity towards me?"......I asked what was he talking about. He then says that he feels that because he isn't working much and money isn't coming in that I am upset with him because I can't go................OK excuse me!!  I wanted to say that is wasn't about him and for him to turn it around in that manner was completely unbelievable....but I kept my thoughts to myself and said he had nothing to do with this and I'm just annoyed because I never had the opportunity to think about it....and plan..... but the thought of being able to show up at the reunion and see the shock look on my parents faces would be priceless!!!

June 20, 2011

A visit from mommy and daddy dearest

I haven’t seen mommy and daddy dearest for 4 ½ years and about 2 weeks ago I received a call from daddy dearest he said that they were coming out for mommy dearests 50th class reunion, to see her brothers and sister and they wanted to fit us in for a visit on Sunday before they leave on Monday. “Fit us in” huh…..that’s nice.   I told him that I would make sure the kids were home and that I do hope they keep their word and not disappoint their grandkids because they have promised visits before and they have choose other destinations.

So yesterday, the Mister, his kids , my kids and I met up with mommy and daddy dearest at a local restaurant.  The initial meet and greet was as uncomfortable as a gyno appt. My mother gave her usual fake “I’m happy to see you” hug…..which was icy and totally unnecessary and my father looked uninterested in the whole ordeal. He was probably just counting down to the next time he lights up a cigarette. My daughter and the Mister were the ones mainly conversing with them and when I would ask a question I received a one sentence answer. The mister later told me that you could cut the tension with a knife and that my mom had difficulty even trying to talk to me and he even agreed with me about daddy dearest…….he was just totally disconnected.

After lunch my kids and I joined mommy and daddy dearest at the mall and I couldn’t have planned what happened next any better. There by the shoes was my boss and I have never been this happy and relieved to see her. I approached her and introduced my parents…..now she’s heard pretty much the horror stories regarding them and recent events and without batting an eye she said “do you know how fabulous your daughter is?”….long pause turns to awkward pause…..finally my mom answers “yes we do”, then my boss turns to daddy dearest and says “you’re the retired police officer?”….he told her yes….then without skipping a beat she says “now I see where she gets her great work ethic!”. Minutes later  I said good bye to my boss and was impressed by her stellar performance all day!!  As the mall experience continued, daddy dearest couldn’t stop asking what we were here to get and I just told him my son had a gift card to get some clothes. ….we were only there for 30 minutes and headed out of the mall to another store where mommy dearest wanted to buy my daughter and I something…..daddy dearest decided to park under some shade, smoke and take a nap……nice for trying to bond with his family who he never sees.

When the shopping ended we headed out to our cars. They took pictures with their grandkids….and then we stood with that awkward silence, sometimes with a comment here or there for awhile. Finally we said good bye and the kids and I were headed home. The kids expressed to me that they felt a little awkward with the whole visit and really didn’t have much to say to them.  I told them that it was ok and it’s perfectly normal to feel disconnected to them because they don’t make it a point to be part of their lives.

As I look back at the visit I just remember the times my son would reach for my hand or hug me  in front of them and when my daughter would put her arm around me or joke  with me.  The way I interacted with my children is opposite of how things were like with me growing up and I wonder if mommy and daddy dearest noticed the love that my children and I have for each other. The hugs weren’t fake, the laughter wasn’t forced……….it was how it should have been for me growing up, but consciously I stopped the cycle and work hard to not make the same mistakes they did.

June 09, 2011

Just needed to vent

It’s come to the point that I’m actually looking for a second job. Not sure how I will muster up the extra energy to put in more hours after an 8 hour work day….but it’s got to be done. So I found myself revamping my career builder account and sending out some applications last night in hopes of getting a few calls to come in for an interview.

I’m just so tired of barely making it and with the Mister only getting 2-3 days a week at his job it just makes things even more difficult. It’s not like I want to be rolling in the dough, although I wouldn’t complain if I was. I just want to be able to sit back and not stress about not being able to pay a bill or two. I don’t like asking for extensions and I don’t like seeing those RED notices hanging on the door.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

I understand that I’m not the only one in this predicament and that times are tough but I just would like it if the Mister was capable of bringing equal to or more than what I bring in……and here’s the thing, he is perfectly capable of bringing in the dough.  When I met him he was a manager of a restaurant, confident and happy but unfortunately a year later he lost his job…….things haven’t been the same and we really haven’t recovered financially. 

I just always thought that there would come a time when I wouldn't be the one solely taking care of the family.........in all honesty and somewhat selfishly I wanted to feel taken care of .... not in the REAL HOUSEWIVES sorta way but in the way where my husband has a 8-5 job monday thru friday.....or just a job working 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week. 

I have a feeling if he put the time and energy in to finding a good job he would feel more confident in himself and he would stop snapping at everyone.

June 01, 2011

Whats love got to do with it

It’s always nice to hear loving words come from the man you love…….and it’s always such a warm feeling when you are told that you are not a loving person from the one you love.  OK……lets see……

A person who isn’t loving wouldn’t have :

1.       Spent days sleeping on a inch thick springy hospital cot while he was recovering from surgery.

2.        Wouldn’t have made sure if was comfortable and entertained with books,movies and games while in the hospital

3.        Was at his beckon call for weeks at all hours of the day and night

4.        Works her butt off at work in order to keep a roof over the families head

5.        Was so concerned about the well being of his son that I got him counseling right after an issue rose.

6.        Wouldn’t be concerned about his parents well being for living in complete and utter mess they live in that I    sought help for them as well

7.        Wouldn’t make sure that his sons birthdays are memorable with decorations and a special day

8.        Wouldn’t ask about him and his day

9.        Wouldn’t sit and listen to him vent

10.     Wouldn’t care about him or his children.

But yet…..i’m not loving.