October 12, 2011

Never quite good enough

When I first met the Misters family I got the impression that they were about family and it even became more evident when we announced we were going to get married. Talk about being swarmed with unconditional love, his mother called to talk to me about my day, her day, the wedding almost daily. His father would greet me with a hug and a loving smile, there would be girl lunches and family parties ;I felt like I hit the family jack pot .  HIs mother would often tell me that they were my family now and this was due to the strain I have with my parents.

Things changed drastically when we cancelled the wedding due to issues that needed to be resolved prior to us taking such a big step of “For better or worse”, it was like one minute we were one big happy family, going to lunches and fittings and then the next minute “poof” it all disappeared. His sisters stopped calling, stopped returning my calls, his mother grew cold towards me and the hugs from his dad stopped. The family get together (beside the Christmas party) we no longer, it was strange. It took me awhile to understand the new family dynamic and how his mother’s word wasn’t so. Even after we got married things never returned to what I was introduced to. I have to admit I was sad, it was all a fa├žade and this family wasn’t as close as they claimed to be but I accepted it and moved forward. I was touched by my mother in laws gracious and kind gift a few months back to send me to see my sister for a nice little weekend vacation, which I seriously needed.  Of course in the back of my mind I was thinking “whats the catch?”, “when will I have to pay it back”, but she said it was a gift and told a story about her relationship with her sisters. Yet again this gesture came out of nowhere but I thanked her from the bottom of my heart.

Imagine my surprise when I found out how my mother in law really felt about me. I knew she was upset about the incident that went down between her son and I, I was amazed how she condoned his actions and made me feel like I was a “nothing” in her eyes or to the family. I was saddened how she threw in the fact that I had a vacation on her dime and now she can’t take one because she has to bail out her son. I didn’t ask them for any assistance to see my sister, I would have found a way to spend time with her but now her act of graciousness was tarnished. I allowed her to speak her peace which wasn’t so peaceful, it stunned me actually and there standing beside her while giving me the riot act was my father in law with his head hung low. I did explain to her my actions, which I shouldn’t have but I did. I thought eventually she would see things clearly and not be so judgmental towards me, but I was wrong. It’s just getting worse, she now is feeding the Mister negative thoughts about me like I am going to take him for all he has (to that I say…what does he have?), I’m just going to run off with another man, I’m evil, I never loved him, and heres what really hurt to hear, she stated that if the Mister didn’t share all our drama with her she wouldn’t have all this anger and hatred towards me. It’s as if she’s saying “only if she (me) would have been submissive and not bring the tiger out of my son this wouldn't have happened therefore this was all her doing”.

I know she was delighted to hear that I was moving out of her son’s home real soon and although she claims she will stop enabling her son, I really don’t believe it. It just breaks my heart that she sees me as this woman who is only out to destroy her son’s life.

I remember that Sunday afternoon hours after the incident and my mother in law stood there telling me and a few others about how she tells her granddaughters that if they find love make sure the man they fall for doesn’t have a mom. Yes, I know…..we were all confused by this statement. She continued to state that she tells her granddaughters to run the other direction if the man’s mother is still living because nothing good will come out of it, because the mom will always be part of her sons life in all aspects. To this a few stepped in and debated this statement but she was dead set on standing true to her statement. I then thought...."is this what she would have liked me to do with her son before I met his family.....high tail it the other way and give up on the chance of a love so grand?". From the sounds of it.....maybe.

She stated that she was always made to feel by her mother in law that she wasn't ever good enough for her son and how that made her feel awful.......well, if she could only look at how shes behaving. It's not any better than how she was made to feel by her mother in law. .........right?