June 30, 2011

Hanging on by a thread

With the marriage holding on barely by a thread we have decided to give counseling a try......again. How did we get to this point you ask? Well…..with the stress of finances and disconnecting on different levels of our relationship, a week can’t go by without some sort of stupid argument that escalates to a screaming match to where he either is in the face of my kids yelling and i'm in the middle telling him to back off.....because my kids won't back off when they know their mom has been disrespected,  or he’s raising a fist at me.  After our temper flare up it’s hard to have a civil conversation. I am stubborn and beyond stressed due to carrying the financial load and refuse to have my husband raise a hand at me in anger and when I bring this up he ALWAYS brings up that I have done the same. …..yes I say, but that was before learning how to deal with my temper in counseling a year and a half ago and I haven’t done that since. Considering he has to reach that far back to pull something out of his “you know what” is ridiculous.  I listened in counseling.....and know violence isn't the answer.

I’m not sure what these sessions are going to do for us. It’s not going to solve our financial issue, it’s not going to make him grow some balls and stand up to his employer and ask “you state I’m going to get my days back and to be patient….it’s been a month, when will I see myself on the schedule for more than 2 days?”.  It’s not going to put an end to his breastly anger….it may trap it for a few months like before, but it will resurface again….just give it time. I doubt it’s going to change the way I see him right now…..my respect in him is dwindling, I feel taken advantage of. Maybe it’s from the things that he has called me, maybe it’s because he states I had something to do with him getting fired from his previous job (i'm not the one who couldn't manage to get to work on time I'm not his mother and shouldn't tell him when he has to go to work) or maybe it’s because he can put me down in front of my children.

I'm not saying that I'm an angel and it's all his fault. Like I've said I have a temper and when push comes to shove my mouth will go off. I fear getting hurt and that insecurity comes out,  my stress just comes down to me holding up the household. I believe that if the man is capable of working then he should do everything and anything to support his family.  Not sit there and involve his children and tell them that I think he's a loser.......because I don't. I know that he is capable of supporting his family but for some reason to me he seems to be in a stagnate unmotivated state. I don't like knowing I am not giving 100% at work because I'm stressing over bills and having to ask for extensions for the utilities or having to worry about the state of my marriage. I never would have expected my husband to get in face to face heated matches with my children.......he needs to be the bigger person and walk away and not get into a screaming match with a teenager and then telling them that their mother is a asshole. I never would have thought he would have the nerve to blame me for losing his job......again, I'm not his mother and shouldn't have to tell him what his schedule is. He's an adult and should know his schedule......yes, it was stressful back then, we were planning our wedding.....but I still have my job and didn't forget when to come in. So to blame me for his lack of simple intelligence is shocking.

This isn’t the type of marriage I want to be in and even though he can sit down in front of me and cry and say he’s sorry….i just don’t buy it because I’ve heard it all before.  So  I’m not sure if this can be fixed, let alone be saved.  He states he loves me........and I love him but love is not going to save this marriage. Theres alot of components that make a strong marriage......but when the friendship is being questioned, respect is faltering and the structure is cracked......I can't see us coming back from this.