July 16, 2011

What do they really learn in auto shop?

I recently watched Bridesmaids, It’s close to being the women’s version of the Hangover…..and it’s just hilarious!!  A scene that had me in stitches because I found it to be so relatable for most women is when Kristen is in bed with Jon Hamm and he is fondling her breast, well maybe fondling isn’t the best word. I would say it looked more like kneading dough.  As he is trying to seduce her there she lies on her back with this look on her face. This look I think has been on our faces at least once in our lives…….it’s the look of “dude I’m not a car and those aren’t car parts!!”   

Another famous scene that cracks me up every time I see it is Sex and the City “The Catch” where Carrie gets together with Harrys best friend and experiences one of the worst sex experiences of her life!!!  I call it the jack rabbit episode or better yet “the first timer”…..the expression on her face was priceless.

Theres no way to stop these types of men during the act and give them a brief lesson to what makes a girl go “OOOOOhhhhhh”. It would totally bruise the mans ego but seriously where did they learn these moves? Was there a class in gym on the “how to’s” of handling a woman?” or did the teacher in auto shop make a comment about an engine just being like a woman’s body…..because I swear some just don’t have a clue when it comes to a womans anatomy.  At times I wanted to “flag” the page in their Mens Health magazine where it talks about “Where to touch a woman”. 

In all honesty…….my sex life with the Mister isn’t all that great, it’s pretty much nonexistent. Partly due to stress, weight gain and partly because I’m unable to get to that “Ohhhhh” state. Now, it hadn’t always been like that. At first it was good……………but that was because I was comfortable with myself and it was more about him getting off. Months later when we settled in, I realized that I really haven’t enjoyed myself to the fullest without the help of ME during the act…………..so months go by and I let him take the reign…..nothing…..he gets off and I don’t, I try to keep the frustration off my face …..Wait till he’s asleep and take care of business later.  At times he’ll attempt to get frisky but seriously the quick grope of the breast just turns me off. It’s like being back in high school when the guy is just experiencing breasts for the first time. When will they understand that we aren’t made like them…we don’t instantly get wet when they brush up against us or grab a breast or two. It takes a little bit of effort to get us to that point.  

Now you are probably thinking “have you told him this?” well in a roundabout way……but he takes it to the level of self pity which is not worth me explaining myself. For days I will hear “I feel so bad that I can’t please you”. Cry me a river…..but if men actually think about it………do we really want to be felt up the way you feel up your carburetor or flank steak? NO…..we have soft girly parts that need some attention and not just for a minute or two and then back to you. REMEMBER….. It’s not all about you……..and that’s why I stopped putting in the effort…………it’s been about HIM way too long. I use to enjoy “giving” in all sense of the word…..been when the receiving was so few and far between then….the giving stopped. For awhile I would do the duty just for the sake of being the “wife” but again why should I lay there, roll my eyes and make “to do lists” in my head when the end result is zero…me, score one for him!!!