July 26, 2011

Seriously do you know what time it is?

The house was spotless and dinner was in the oven……….what a nice change then to come home to chaos. Who knew when I walked in from a long day at work that chaos would soon follow. Clean house or not. 

I did acknowledge to the Mister that the house looked nice but inside I was thinking “why the heck are you praising him for cleaning his own home this should be done no matter what he doesn’t have a 8-5, 5 day a week job” but men need to be acknowledged for doing the expected just so they can beat their chest when we aren’t looking.  As the evening progressed I noticed he was quite fidgety and quiet and when he gets this way I know there is a “TALK” looming in the air but when it’s going to happen is a mystery. Hours go by, I ask….but nothing. During the Marriage Ref I asked again…..I was ready to make the talk happen regardless during the Bachelorette because he’s inability to get comfy and settle down was just as annoying as Ryan’s return……….still nothing.

I headed to bed without saying a word and woke up around 1:30am to see that the front room light was still on. “WTF wasn’t our bill high enough that he had to forget to turn it off”. I walked in to see him fiddling around with his lap top and when I asked what he was doing I got yelled at. NICE……so I said a few choice words and headed back to bed and of course he followed.  I asked what was his problem and of course he turned it around on me “what is your …..problem”…..I thought to myself “the only problem that I am having at this moment is that you are going to want to TALK right now and it’s 1:30 “……………………………and I was right.

“you want to know whats wrong with me?” the MISTER boldly asked. ….. “Yes, please share with me at 1:30 in the morning what your problem is so I can apologize and bow down to you” is what I WANTED to say……but I think I said something like “yes and please hurry the F up because its 1:30 in the morning and one of us has to work in a few hours and I don’t get the luxury of sleeping in”.  He then started to tell me that I’m not affectionate at all and that in the last 3 days he’s been unable to sleep because I don’t cuddle with him, hold his hand, say I love you, kiss on him, that I am more affectionate to my dogs than I am to him and he feels like he is ranked last in my life………………NOW, here’s one thing about me if you want to fight with me at 1:30 in the morning prepare to get the raw and not caring how you feel truth because obviously you didn’t care or respect me  enough to talk to me about your “ISSUE” when I was AWAKE!!! 

“You want to know why I am not affectionate with you? well it’s because I don’t know how to be affectionate with you anymore” I said truthfully.  “What do you mean you don’t know how to be affectionate with me?” he asked.  I told him that in the past after we had a fight it would take me a few days to brush off the harsh words, move on and back in arms I’d go……………..after awhile fights would happen, harsher words would be shared between us and it became harder to forget being told I wasn’t a loving person, that he wanted a divorce, that I’m an awful person, a bully, controlling, my heart is made out of stone and threatening me with his fist I found it extremely hard to hold his hand, kiss him good night, cuddle with him because why would I want to be affectionate to a person who thinks all these things about me and even though he said he didn’t mean it…………he said it do hurt me and in comes down to being scared emotionally of him…that wall is up!  He then has the nerve to say “well I’m scared of you, you’ve thrown things”…………… “yes and that was 2 years ago before counseling, before learning the tools to control my frustration and anger………which is something you didn’t learn when we saw the counselor” I yelled back at him.  He yelled some more and I argued back, he insisted I take the wall down or else it will be the end of us!! ……………ohhh another wonderful threat of the end of our marriage. I told him that we can discuss all this in counseling next month on the 22nd and now I had to go to sleep because it’s NOW 2:15am.  From what I remember we went round and round for another 10 minutes until he stood up and said we were done!

Fine…good ……good night…..I grabbed my puppy, pulled my blanket close and went to sleep…..but I did mumble a disclosure……I warned I will be TIRED all day and don’t expect me to be talkative.