June 02, 2010

The skeleton that's hanging in my closet

It’s still there wrapped in plastic behind the mirrored doors that I dread going into. Just a constant reminder of the wedding that never was and will never be. I know that I need to get rid of my wedding dress, there’s no need for it to be the actual skeleton in the closet, haunting me with “what could have been” It needs to go. I’ve tried selling it on EBAY, but of course there were no takers and if you think about it who would want to wear someone else’s dress that never quite made it to the alter?

Although I have only one regret about canceling the wedding, which would be allowing myself to get so consumed with it. I never wanted a big wedding I told him a small intimate wedding of 50 people over looking the ocean. What it turned out to be was close to 100 people in an ex bar with a garden staged neatly in the back. I got pulled into the fantasy that ultimately gave way to reality.

The reality of which was a relationship that was doomed for failure, and knowing that getting married while there were so many loose ends, tangled messes, and a lot of just well….bullshit wouldn’t be the smartest idea. 3 weeks was all that was left until the big day but there was no way we could fix all that needed to be mended in time, there wasn’t a big enough band aid to patch up the wounds or turn the red flags to a dull white. I knew what was at stake when I made the decision to cancel the wedding, but a marriage should never start on rocky ground.

So behind the tears and anger I faced the fact that it wasn’t going to happen and placed those calls to the “need to knows”, threw away things that represented the big day, picked up my dress and did everything I could to try and not loose myself in all this mess.

I found myself alone in my room with the dress and the amazingly beautiful At Tiffany shoes. I knew I had to do it, I needed to know if all the hard work at the gym, the tasteless meals that I was consuming had paid off. I needed to feel the dress on me. So the masochist that I am, I put the dress on and slide the shoes on my feet. Yes, the dress fit perfectly…..the dieting, the working out paid off, but the girl staring back at me in the mirror looked mentally beaten and eyes dark and puffy from crying.

I stood in front of that mirror for a good while, staring……..reflecting back not only on this past year, but at my past relationships and broken engagements. As tears began to fall I slowly took the dress off and placed it away in it’s coffin.

I know that I made the right decision to cancel the wedding but what now……..where does one go from here?