Fat Ass Pig

I’m wishing these dogs would settle down. I need quiet. I attempted to go to church tonight but I broke down in the parking lot. I broke down because we go to church together; I broke down because I feared he would show up, I feared that maybe he’d go to the house when I wasn’t there. I’m a mess. Nothing and no one should keep me from attending church, I shouldn’t be fearful but I was and I turned my car around and headed home. 

I have been keeping it together in front of my kids this week but tonight they are with their dad and it’s been a day from hell. I try and keep the Mister out of my head…….but fear creeps in…...a car that sounds like his sets me off, when I went to the store I look to see if he’s around,  a mutual friend came by to get some of his things and tried to tell me things that the Mister shared with him. I explained to my friend that I didn’t want him to be the “middle man” anymore, it wasn’t fair for him……..it’s not. 

I’m full of emotions and I know this blog is all over the place but that’s too be expected after a glass of wine and a mind full of mangled mush. We were supposed to be in San Francisco tonight with my friends Leslie and Ed, we were supposed to be going to 49er’s game tomorrow, we were supposed to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend…………………….but I’m home with my 4 dogs and he is off doing whatever he’s doing. Yahooing ex girlfriends, talking to whomever for attention and sympathy. Sympathy my ass!!! He even had the nerve to call my friend to apologize for his actions last night…….what an ass!!!  He’s done damage that he doesn’t even know about. He promised he wasn’t like the others ……. He promised to protect me, what a great job he did.  Being fearful is the worst…..it traps you. Being full of anxiety numbs you…….and this is all because of him…….Happy Anniversary to me!!!

OHHHH and to top it off…..I feel like Miranda in Sex and the City where she made herself a chocolate cake and kept going back to it only to pour soap on it …. I made myself some brownies….. you know, chocolate/wine/girly flick without the girlfriends……..well……I’m about to pour dish soap on those brownies because I don’t need to gain weight during this mess…..the last thing I need to do is look like a fat pig…..OHHH wait ……I am a “F’in fat ass pig” as the Mister stated to me last Sunday!!! 

Keeping it together

Tonight we were supposed to be packing for our one year anniversary trip to San Francisco, instead I spent the day at the courthouse filing a restraining order against my husband.  He hasn't been back since last weekends occurrence and he won't be back for awhile. No, he's not in jail.....his mommy bailed him out of that mess. So he's staying with his parents and taking care of his issues. 

As far as me well, I'm taking it one day at a time. I have my moments of break down, unexpected tears falling when I'm in line at a check out stand and I look over and there's a man telling his wife he loves her, or like yesterday when I was at my sons football game and a couple was cheering on their son, the husband looks over to her and says "you're so pretty, I love you".  I tried to be incognito and wipe the tears away but you can only do so much, so I sat in my car until I could get it together. 

When the anxiety hits I use the tools my counselor said I should do.....sometimes it works and sometimes well I just get upset. Who wants to imagine themselves on a beach when you're ticked off at the man who was suppose to protect you? I don't!!!   I know some day I will get over the fear, get over the anxiety and become strong again....but it will take time.....................a long time.

it all changed in a blink of an eye

The unexpected happened, and life as I know it will never be the same anymore. I had wished our marriage was important to him. I wish he would have just stepped back, walked away and took control of his anger .......now we are all having to face the consequences. a broken marriage.

more to come..........

Welcome to my vent corner......want to vent??

I've kept my mouth shut for weeks ......but now I need to let it out and the only place I can let it out is here in my little corner, because if I express it to the Mister he will most likely say it's not true or it will just end up in a full on fight and personally I really don't want to get into a full blown fight 2 weeks before our 1 year anniversary.

I don't know what it is but every time his boys come over he seriously becomes a major as at times. It's in his tone, the way he comes at me with an answer. I'm not sure if he does this to show he's the MAN or to show his boys the he has "balls". Like tonight at dinner he "scolded me" in front of his boys and my son and yes I could have continued going at it like he does with my children , I  could have brought up the fact that if I EVEN told him that he was wrong in the situations of the past it would be my head that was served up on a platter for dinner........but I kept my mouth shut because one I already knew how this would be played out and two this has been a common thing with him when his boys come over. 

The funny thing is when his boys aren't here he seldom acts like an ass, he's sweet and kind.....but when they are around he hardens up and his responses are short and crude.........I choose my battles and this one is a waste of time. So I will drink my glass of wine....................roll my eyes and work on my classwork.

......whats your vent for the day????

Seriously do you know what time it is?

The house was spotless and dinner was in the oven……….what a nice change then to come home to chaos. Who knew when I walked in from a long day at work that chaos would soon follow. Clean house or not. 

I did acknowledge to the Mister that the house looked nice but inside I was thinking “why the heck are you praising him for cleaning his own home this should be done no matter what he doesn’t have a 8-5, 5 day a week job” but men need to be acknowledged for doing the expected just so they can beat their chest when we aren’t looking.  As the evening progressed I noticed he was quite fidgety and quiet and when he gets this way I know there is a “TALK” looming in the air but when it’s going to happen is a mystery. Hours go by, I ask….but nothing. During the Marriage Ref I asked again…..I was ready to make the talk happen regardless during the Bachelorette because he’s inability to get comfy and settle down was just as annoying as Ryan’s return……….still nothing.

I headed to bed without saying a word and woke up around 1:30am to see that the front room light was still on. “WTF wasn’t our bill high enough that he had to forget to turn it off”. I walked in to see him fiddling around with his lap top and when I asked what he was doing I got yelled at. NICE……so I said a few choice words and headed back to bed and of course he followed.  I asked what was his problem and of course he turned it around on me “what is your …..problem”…..I thought to myself “the only problem that I am having at this moment is that you are going to want to TALK right now and it’s 1:30 “……………………………and I was right.

“you want to know whats wrong with me?” the MISTER boldly asked. ….. “Yes, please share with me at 1:30 in the morning what your problem is so I can apologize and bow down to you” is what I WANTED to say……but I think I said something like “yes and please hurry the F up because its 1:30 in the morning and one of us has to work in a few hours and I don’t get the luxury of sleeping in”.  He then started to tell me that I’m not affectionate at all and that in the last 3 days he’s been unable to sleep because I don’t cuddle with him, hold his hand, say I love you, kiss on him, that I am more affectionate to my dogs than I am to him and he feels like he is ranked last in my life………………NOW, here’s one thing about me if you want to fight with me at 1:30 in the morning prepare to get the raw and not caring how you feel truth because obviously you didn’t care or respect me  enough to talk to me about your “ISSUE” when I was AWAKE!!! 

“You want to know why I am not affectionate with you? well it’s because I don’t know how to be affectionate with you anymore” I said truthfully.  “What do you mean you don’t know how to be affectionate with me?” he asked.  I told him that in the past after we had a fight it would take me a few days to brush off the harsh words, move on and back in arms I’d go……………..after awhile fights would happen, harsher words would be shared between us and it became harder to forget being told I wasn’t a loving person, that he wanted a divorce, that I’m an awful person, a bully, controlling, my heart is made out of stone and threatening me with his fist I found it extremely hard to hold his hand, kiss him good night, cuddle with him because why would I want to be affectionate to a person who thinks all these things about me and even though he said he didn’t mean it…………he said it do hurt me and in comes down to being scared emotionally of him…that wall is up!  He then has the nerve to say “well I’m scared of you, you’ve thrown things”…………… “yes and that was 2 years ago before counseling, before learning the tools to control my frustration and anger………which is something you didn’t learn when we saw the counselor” I yelled back at him.  He yelled some more and I argued back, he insisted I take the wall down or else it will be the end of us!! ……………ohhh another wonderful threat of the end of our marriage. I told him that we can discuss all this in counseling next month on the 22^nd and now I had to go to sleep because it’s NOW 2:15am.  From what I remember we went round and round for another 10 minutes until he stood up and said we were done!

Fine…good ……good night…..I grabbed my puppy, pulled my blanket close and went to sleep…..but I did mumble a disclosure……I warned I will be TIRED all day and don’t expect me to be talkative. 

What do they really learn in auto shop?

I recently watched Bridesmaids, It’s close to being the women’s version of the Hangover…..and it’s just hilarious!!  A scene that had me in stitches because I found it to be so relatable for most women is when Kristen is in bed with Jon Hamm and he is fondling her breast, well maybe fondling isn’t the best word. I would say it looked more like kneading dough.  As he is trying to seduce her there she lies on her back with this look on her face. This look I think has been on our faces at least once in our lives…….it’s the look of “dude I’m not a car and those aren’t car parts!!”   

 

Another famous scene that cracks me up every time I see it is Sex and the City “The Catch” where Carrie gets together with Harrys best friend and experiences one of the worst sex experiences of her life!!!  I call it the jack rabbit episode or better yet “the first timer”…..the expression on her face was priceless.

Theres no way to stop these types of men during the act and give them a brief lesson to what makes a girl go “OOOOOhhhhhh”. It would totally bruise the mans ego but seriously where did they learn these moves? Was there a class in gym on the “how to’s” of handling a woman?” or did the teacher in auto shop make a comment about an engine just being like a woman’s body…..because I swear some just don’t have a clue when it comes to a womans anatomy.  At times I wanted to “flag” the page in their Mens Health magazine where it talks about “Where to touch a woman”. 

In all honesty…….my sex life with the Mister isn’t all that great, it’s pretty much nonexistent. Partly due to stress, weight gain and partly because I’m unable to get to that “Ohhhhh” state. Now, it hadn’t always been like that. At first it was good……………but that was because I was comfortable with myself and it was more about him getting off. Months later when we settled in, I realized that I really haven’t enjoyed myself to the fullest without the help of ME during the act…………..so months go by and I let him take the reign…..nothing…..he gets off and I don’t, I try to keep the frustration off my face …..Wait till he’s asleep and take care of business later.  At times he’ll attempt to get frisky but seriously the quick grope of the breast just turns me off. It’s like being back in high school when the guy is just experiencing breasts for the first time. When will they understand that we aren’t made like them…we don’t instantly get wet when they brush up against us or grab a breast or two. It takes a little bit of effort to get us to that point.  

Now you are probably thinking “have you told him this?” well in a roundabout way……but he takes it to the level of self pity which is not worth me explaining myself. For days I will hear “I feel so bad that I can’t please you”. Cry me a river…..but if men actually think about it………do we really want to be felt up the way you feel up your carburetor or flank steak? NO…..we have soft girly parts that need some attention and not just for a minute or two and then back to you. REMEMBER….. It’s not all about you……..and that’s why I stopped putting in the effort…………it’s been about HIM way too long. I use to enjoy “giving” in all sense of the word…..been when the receiving was so few and far between then….the giving stopped. For awhile I would do the duty just for the sake of being the “wife” but again why should I lay there, roll my eyes and make “to do lists” in my head when the end result is zero…me, score one for him!!!

Screw your damn intake

The mister and I were to attend what we thought was a counseling appointment the other day. We waited close to a month after the “orientation” for this appointment.

A month ago we had to attend a "orientation" pertaining to what we are to expect in counseling.  During that long hour and a half I couldn’t believe that I left work early to hear a man stand up in front of a bunch of unhappy couples barely making any sense explaining how happy couples survive. Seriously? This man stumbled around every other word and to me I swear he was on some heavy drugs. It took every ounce in me to stay seated and not storm out…..the only thing keeping me planted on that seat was the fear that I had to do this all over again. At the end he stated that we had to call the number listed on the card to make an appt. Done… 

One month later(earlier this week)

As we walked in the room I was ready to lay everything out there, then the man proceeded to say that this was our intake. “Our what?”…..he started to ask the Mister a stream of questions. Are you depressed? On what scale are you depressed? Did you grow up with available parents? Where they there for you emotionally ?  Do you drink if so how much? 30 minutes into it I’m thinking “you got to be kidding me?”. They could have saved time by giving us this paperwork and have us fill it out on our own in the dang waiting room.  The mister notices that I’m getting pretty inpatient about the whole ordeal because all I’m thinking is when do we get to the talking part! Then he turns to me and asks the same dang questions…………………..do you worry? Yes, who doesn’t you moron! , do you get plenty of sleep? Hmmm don’t you see the dark circles under my eyes? What keeps you from getting a full nights rest? I kept it short…finances, stress, work, kids, crumbling marriage! He continues, do you have a lot of stress in your life? Dude…seriously didn’t I just tell you, isn’t this YOUR job to listen. I just told you the reasons why I can’t sleep? Yes I have stress and from a scale of 1-10 it’s about an 8 ……and will be a 9 by the end of this meeting if there’s not going to be any counseling in a minute.  Were your parents there physically when you were growing up? Yes….. Were they there emotionally for you? hmmm….no and still aren’t. Do you have a couple hours?  But instead I gave him a snip-it to save us time and  finish this dumb  INTAKE. 

When he was done with me he sits back in his chair and says “ok you guys are able to make an appointment to see one of our counselors you have met the criteria”.  Excuse me? We passed what……the How Screwed Up You Are test? I could have told you that a month ago. I wanted to say but instead I looked at him and said “so basically we are screwed up enough to move on”.  After sharing several other classes that this place offers he walks us up front to set up an appointment.  “The earliest we can get you in is August 22^nd”…………”seriously? A month and a half”…..i turned and walked away leaving the Mister to deal with it.  I was HOT!! This place is a joke…..a month ago we waste time in a uncalled for orientation, I take time off from work just for some guy to ask us questions that I’m perfectly capable of filling out on paper and now…..we have to wait till the end of August just to be told what???  “ohhh you guys are more dysfunctional then we thought you need to meet with so and so” We walked into the elevator ……the Mister knowing that I was livid about the situation stayed quiet then as the doors shut I said “this is B.S what kind of place is this!!”

Hanging on by a thread

With the marriage holding on barely by a thread we have decided to give counseling a try......again. How did we get to this point you ask? Well…..with the stress of finances and disconnecting on different levels of our relationship, a week can’t go by without some sort of stupid argument that escalates to a screaming match to where he either is in the face of my kids yelling and i'm in the middle telling him to back off.....because my kids won't back off when they know their mom has been disrespected,  or he’s raising a fist at me.  After our temper flare up it’s hard to have a civil conversation. I am stubborn and beyond stressed due to carrying the financial load and refuse to have my husband raise a hand at me in anger and when I bring this up he ALWAYS brings up that I have done the same. …..yes I say, but that was before learning how to deal with my temper in counseling a year and a half ago and I haven’t done that since. Considering he has to reach that far back to pull something out of his “you know what” is ridiculous.  I listened in counseling.....and know violence isn't the answer.

I’m not sure what these sessions are going to do for us. It’s not going to solve our financial issue, it’s not going to make him grow some balls and stand up to his employer and ask “you state I’m going to get my days back and to be patient….it’s been a month, when will I see myself on the schedule for more than 2 days?”.  It’s not going to put an end to his breastly anger….it may trap it for a few months like before, but it will resurface again….just give it time. I doubt it’s going to change the way I see him right now…..my respect in him is dwindling, I feel taken advantage of. Maybe it’s from the things that he has called me, maybe it’s because he states I had something to do with him getting fired from his previous job (i'm not the one who couldn't manage to get to work on time I'm not his mother and shouldn't tell him when he has to go to work) or maybe it’s because he can put me down in front of my children.

I'm not saying that I'm an angel and it's all his fault. Like I've said I have a temper and when push comes to shove my mouth will go off. I fear getting hurt and that insecurity comes out,  my stress just comes down to me holding up the household. I believe that if the man is capable of working then he should do everything and anything to support his family.  Not sit there and involve his children and tell them that I think he's a loser.......because I don't. I know that he is capable of supporting his family but for some reason to me he seems to be in a stagnate unmotivated state. I don't like knowing I am not giving 100% at work because I'm stressing over bills and having to ask for extensions for the utilities or having to worry about the state of my marriage. I never would have expected my husband to get in face to face heated matches with my children.......he needs to be the bigger person and walk away and not get into a screaming match with a teenager and then telling them that their mother is a asshole. I never would have thought he would have the nerve to blame me for losing his job......again, I'm not his mother and shouldn't have to tell him what his schedule is. He's an adult and should know his schedule......yes, it was stressful back then, we were planning our wedding.....but I still have my job and didn't forget when to come in. So to blame me for his lack of simple intelligence is shocking.

This isn’t the type of marriage I want to be in and even though he can sit down in front of me and cry and say he’s sorry….i just don’t buy it because I’ve heard it all before.  So  I’m not sure if this can be fixed, let alone be saved.  He states he loves me........and I love him but love is not going to save this marriage. Theres alot of components that make a strong marriage......but when the friendship is being questioned, respect is faltering and the structure is cracked......I can't see us coming back from this.

 

Need to seriously recharge

I mentioned earlier that the Mister and I had a tiny blow out over a blanket. I believe it was just built up frustration which led to me telling him that basically he’s acting like a baby and man up, but I really didn’t say it in those words. 

Earlier that day I came home early from work because I had been sick all morning throwing up at work (no I’m not pregnant), unable to keep my eyes open and just plain exhausted. I hid out in the bedroom and tried to get some much needed rest. I think I got in a few hours of sleep before it was time to check up on the Mister…..he was fine so I threw in a load of laundry. 

15 minutes later

The Mister :  is the washer free?

(hmmm can’t he hear the washer going ? I can)

ME: I just threw in some clothes, why?

The Mister : just wondering

(Women…we know if our guy is “just wondering” its code for “we need something done”)

ME: do you need something washed? Because you wouldn’t ask if there was something in the wash for the heck of it.

The Mister Stern: NO I was just wondering

ME about to lose it: what do you need washed!!

The Mister : Stop yelling at me

ME: yelling back: I’m not yelling at you!!...what do you need washed

The Mister: I wanted to wash my blanket

ME: give me the blanket….get off the couch right now and give me that damn blanket because I don’t want you washing it at midnight!!

(he stuck his blanket in the dryer at midnight the previous night)

The Mister : NO I will do it myself later

ME yelling: Fine do it yourself but it better not be at midnight

The Mister yelling back: what is wrong with you?

ME: what’s wrong with me?? I’m exhausted ….you handled your surgery a lot better last year and that was worse than this one. You are way more needy and demanding this time, you’re up and down all throughout the night and of course I’m up with you which causes me not to get the rest that I need. You don’t act this way during the day when your parents are here and when you call you sound all chipper but when I’m home you act like you’re dying.

I walked off feeling not one bit of guilt and headed right back to my bed to get some rest after a small nap I woke up and tip toed past the Mister…..but he wasn’t asleep….he called out to me. He then apologized for earlier and I apologized to, he gave me a kiss and for the rest of the night he asked his boys for assistance as I laid in bed catching up on “William and Kate Wedding” specials, blogging, and cuddling with my children.

It's hard to keep quiet

It’s been 8 days since the Misters hip replacement and for some reason this recovery has been harder and more demanding than last time. This surgery was suppose to be a quicker recovery and less evasive but the Mister isn’t handling it as such. 

I understand that he had surgery and I understand that he can’t do certain things at the moment. I also understand that I am his wife and have to tend to his needs BUT there comes a time when enough is enough and this was apparent yesterday when I was sent home from work because I was about to lose it. I literally had stressed myself out and going on 2-3 hours of sleep a night in the last 8 days that yesterday I came to work and was throwing up from 7:30-11:30 ,almost falling asleep at my desk and crying after a phone call from one of our customers. 

I knew it was going to be tough, remember we went through this last year ………………but I don’t recall him being THIS needy or worrisome. I must have heard him complain about the swelling every time he woke up from his nap and I must have sounded like a broken record because time after time I would tell him “you just had surgery, and think about it if someone broke their wrist, arm, ankle or leg would it be swollen?”, “yes, I know I’m sorry”. It came to appoint were I was coming home having a glass of wine with a Unisom, but that never worked out like I had hoped because I would sleep for a few hours but then was awoken by the clanking of his walker, his moans, or his requests for more ice, more pillows, rub his feet, another ice pack, some water. Then there were the requests that I couldn’t really help him with which was his inability to go #2 !!  but when he kept complaining that he couldn’t go and simply told me that I don’t understand the pain of not being able to go for days I nearly  left him stranded on the toilet!!  “what do you mean I don’t understand? I think I understand completely….I have had 3 children and know all about NOT being able to GO or want to push” and miss Lily (my dog) stood right next to me who looked at me with the same confused look….heck she knew what I was talking about she had 4 puppies not so long ago!! …… so to make it easier for him and his feat I made him a pot of coffee, a couple Colace pills and prune juice for later.

I also know that it’s wrong for me to compare his hip replacement to my pelvic fracture (skiing accident 5 years ago) which took me out of work for nearly a month. In my head I compare it BUT I don’t voice it …… at the time I had no one to help me or take care of me, It was just me at the time(my children were with their dad on winter break) the guy that I went skiing with didn’t stick around to help with my recovery so it was me and my wheel chair. It was,  I think more painful than child birth. I remember having to use my crutches to get me out of my wheel chair and into my bed and at times I had to painfully drive myself to the doctors or to the store but at the beginning I was helpless.  There was no one to fetch my meds, get me an ice pack, grab me an extra pillow, help prop me up when I just couldn’t, make me something to eat, I had to somehow gather the strength from inside me and fight through the pain and I didn’t have weekly visits from a physical therapist to show me the safe way to get around. 

So, yesterday when I came home I knew that I needed to tend to ME. I needed to sleep and recharge because what good am I to anyone….meaning our children, the Mister and work if I’m down for the count!  I was able to rest a little bit but not enough because I ended up losing it and having it out with the Mister over a blanket!

A day in Santa Barbara County

Our date started at 5:30 in the morning and as much as I couldn’t wait to head out to Santa Barbara County I still wanted to stay all cozy in bed and hit the snooze button. I didn’t though…..and I proceeded to get my tail out of bed and into the shower, miraculously we were out of the house and on the road by 6:30am.

Our first stop was breakfast at Tre Lune` in Montecito where we meet up with my childhood friend, Dawn and conversed over a heavenly plate of French toast smothered in maple syrup topped with bananas, a tasty omelet stuffed with sausage, onions and peppers, and an egg white omelet with prosciutto and tomatoes. OHHH and I can’t forget about the bread……this was one of the reasons why we had to revisit this restaurant and it’s for their Kalamata olive sour dough bread, it’s seriously to die for!! 

So we  made sure our bellies were nice and full to prevent us from getting a bit buzzed too soon….and when I say “us” I mean ME!!  The last time we went wine tasting I only had a bowl of cereal and let me just say that didn’t prevent me from getting a little tipsy after the first winery that we went to. 

The mister and I continued on to wine country and decided early on that we would just stick to the Foxen Trail Wineries…there were ones that we were instantly impressed with and of course joined their wine club and then there are ones that were just not to our liking, but that never dampened our little wine adventure we just continued on…..even accidently driving onto the property of the owners of a vineyard, we realized a few minutes later that we weren’t at the correct place so we headed straight back out the electric gates…..and that’s when we saw the sign “wine tasting 1.8 miles”.

Later that evening we decided to venture into Solvang for a place to have dinner although nothing really seemed appetizing we saw a venue that catered to wine lovers and animal lovers…..so I didn’t think twice and we headed inside. I really enjoyed Carivintas Winery , their bottles are labeled with dogs and cats that they have rescued through “Best friends animal society”, The HSUS, and many local animal shelters throughout the county and what really blew my mind is that a portion of their profits are donated to these groups every year….ohh it’s pet friendly too!! 

Needless to say our day in wine county was filled with laughter , great wine and beautiful scenery!!