Never quite good enough

When I first met the Misters family I got the impression that they were about family and it even became more evident when we announced we were going to get married. Talk about being swarmed with unconditional love, his mother called to talk to me about my day, her day, the wedding almost daily. His father would greet me with a hug and a loving smile, there would be girl lunches and family parties ;I felt like I hit the family jack pot .  HIs mother would often tell me that they were my family now and this was due to the strain I have with my parents.

Things changed drastically when we cancelled the wedding due to issues that needed to be resolved prior to us taking such a big step of “For better or worse”, it was like one minute we were one big happy family, going to lunches and fittings and then the next minute “poof” it all disappeared. His sisters stopped calling, stopped returning my calls, his mother grew cold towards me and the hugs from his dad stopped. The family get together (beside the Christmas party) we no longer, it was strange. It took me awhile to understand the new family dynamic and how his mother’s word wasn’t so. Even after we got married things never returned to what I was introduced to. I have to admit I was sad, it was all a façade and this family wasn’t as close as they claimed to be but I accepted it and moved forward. I was touched by my mother in laws gracious and kind gift a few months back to send me to see my sister for a nice little weekend vacation, which I seriously needed.  Of course in the back of my mind I was thinking “whats the catch?”, “when will I have to pay it back”, but she said it was a gift and told a story about her relationship with her sisters. Yet again this gesture came out of nowhere but I thanked her from the bottom of my heart.

Imagine my surprise when I found out how my mother in law really felt about me. I knew she was upset about the incident that went down between her son and I, I was amazed how she condoned his actions and made me feel like I was a “nothing” in her eyes or to the family. I was saddened how she threw in the fact that I had a vacation on her dime and now she can’t take one because she has to bail out her son. I didn’t ask them for any assistance to see my sister, I would have found a way to spend time with her but now her act of graciousness was tarnished. I allowed her to speak her peace which wasn’t so peaceful, it stunned me actually and there standing beside her while giving me the riot act was my father in law with his head hung low. I did explain to her my actions, which I shouldn’t have but I did. I thought eventually she would see things clearly and not be so judgmental towards me, but I was wrong. It’s just getting worse, she now is feeding the Mister negative thoughts about me like I am going to take him for all he has (to that I say…what does he have?), I’m just going to run off with another man, I’m evil, I never loved him, and heres what really hurt to hear, she stated that if the Mister didn’t share all our drama with her she wouldn’t have all this anger and hatred towards me. It’s as if she’s saying “only if she (me) would have been submissive and not bring the tiger out of my son this wouldn't have happened therefore this was all her doing”.

I know she was delighted to hear that I was moving out of her son’s home real soon and although she claims she will stop enabling her son, I really don’t believe it. It just breaks my heart that she sees me as this woman who is only out to destroy her son’s life.

I remember that Sunday afternoon hours after the incident and my mother in law stood there telling me and a few others about how she tells her granddaughters that if they find love make sure the man they fall for doesn’t have a mom. Yes, I know…..we were all confused by this statement. She continued to state that she tells her granddaughters to run the other direction if the man’s mother is still living because nothing good will come out of it, because the mom will always be part of her sons life in all aspects. To this a few stepped in and debated this statement but she was dead set on standing true to her statement. I then thought...."is this what she would have liked me to do with her son before I met his family.....high tail it the other way and give up on the chance of a love so grand?". From the sounds of it.....maybe.

She stated that she was always made to feel by her mother in law that she wasn't ever good enough for her son and how that made her feel awful.......well, if she could only look at how shes behaving. It's not any better than how she was made to feel by her mother in law. .........right?

and The Bullshit Continues

I am so glad this week is over. It’s been one thing after another and the stars of this week are my two daughters. It was suppose to be a wonderful , drama free week but I guess I was sooooo wrong to even assume that could possibly be the case. ….the only thing that I was looking forward to even after all the drama was my daughters 20^th birthday party/family get together which was going to be held this Sunday. 

I wanted my daughter to remember this quick visit and why not send her home with memories of family around her celebrating her birthday. So her aunt and I were working together for a couple weeks now coming up with ideas, people to invite, what to serve…….and considering people are on a budget it wasn’t going to be anything extravagant. Streamers, balloons, hanging ceiling decorations….nothing over the top. For food I was thinking pizza and the family members agreed to bring a dish ….sort of pot luck style. Now, the only thing was to get in touch with her father (my ex husband) to collect his half which was $30. 

Seems fair right??

I wasn’t going to ask him to go in half for the decorations….that’s my thing and I enjoy it. It was around 3pm today when I heard from my daughter, stating that this birthday thing is just out of control. “Excuse me?” ……she has not been part of this at all and I’m not stressing about it so why is she? She stated that all she wanted was a BBQ that’s it! and all that needs to be spent is $20. I laughed….I explained that $20 is NOT going to feed even half of her father’s side of the family. She then rudely stated “well I DON’T want Pizza!!! Whats wrong with having a BBQ?”. I explained to her that her father’s side of the family is big, which means we would need a lot of hamburger meat, hot dogs, buns, condiments, chips, sodas….and I’m pretty sure people are going to want more than just 1 hamburger….so to keep the price down I was going to get 4 pizzas, a cake and drinks and people would bring a side dish. “I just don’t want this party anymore, just forget about it I told you I didn’t want a big thing” she yelled. I explained this wasn’t a big thing just family getting together…….she then told me that she just didn’t want to do this anymore and that she will come over Saturday and we can do cake. I calmly said “I will take the decorations back and call your aunt so we can cancel the party”…and hung up.

I held the anger /disappointment and MY TONGUE till I got outside the office and called the Mister. “She doesn’t want to have it, she doesn’t WANT pizza, she doesn’t understand that having a BBQ is going to cost A LOT more than pizza…..ohhh and get this we can have cake on Saturday…..screw the cake! Doesn’t she see that we were doing this for HER?” …..of course I’m leaving out the explicit I would probably be banned from blogger!!  

So I called her aunt and left a message about the cancellation per her nieces request and sent out a bulk text stating that I was sorry for any inconvience that this last minute cancellation  may have caused. 

Ohhh about that cake she thinks she’s going to have when she comes over on Saturday night…….not going to happen.  She’s not going to dictate how she wants to celebrate NOW when we have already talked about this for months…….no sorry. She just doesn’t get it……………she doesn’t see the love that was put behind the planning and family members who were coming to join her …..she doesn’t see the good intention behind the thought that we were going to celebrate her. We don’t see her much during the year because she is in college…………..so this was more than just a birthday party or family get together …..this was about HER being with us and US celebrating her before she leaves. This was our way of showing her that we are proud of her.

Whatever……

Table for ....................One

 

The Mister is a waiter for a four star restaurant here in town and let me begin to say this restaurant happens to have some amazing Mediterranean food.  So I was a bit surprised when the Mister asked if I would like to come to the restaurant and he’d buy me dinner. Mind you, he would be working and I would be ………. “Just one”.  

When I was single I didn’t mind being “just one” at a restaurant or at a movie theater. When the kids where off with their dad I would grab a book and head on to a café and enjoy a nice meal with my book or I’d treat myself to the movies. It was a bit freeing and I enjoyed it!

I rarely do that now and I’m not sure why ……………… don’t get me wrong I do enjoy my quiet nights where I can write or catch up on blogs or just do me things, but going to a restaurant and sitting in the lounge area having dinner alone watching the dinner crowd roll in………without a book is just a little intimidating…..but I went. 

The beginning of dinner went fairly well, I got my glass of wine, had too much of the bread and started to catch the Mister up on my day. When I would start a sentence he’d stop me mid sentence to go take care of a customer, when he’d come back he would start small talk which I thought was the green light to start again. Nope, I was wrong……I finished my wine fairly quickly hoping he’d notice that my glass was empty and to refill it…..but he never noticed.  When my food came, he’d come over and stare at the yummy creation and again …small talk…I mimic him and answered in very short answers. I watched him tend to table after table, making sure their visit was pleasant all the while I’m hoping he’d catch my glance so I can ask for more wine.  Seriously, me being his wife he probably thought that I don’t require that much attention at the restaurant but…..I’m still technically a patron and should still get the same sort of attention…..right??  After picking at my main course ….trying to get what little drop there was from my wine glass and trying not to give into the smell of freshly warm bread on my table. I decided that I should call it a night. It took me 3 attempts to get a box, each time I would hear “hold on”, “give me a minute”……annoyed I sat there watching him attend to the 4 tables surrounding me over and over again. SHIT!! Ok, so I understand that he’s paying for my dinner….and I wouldn’t really be leaving him a tip …but he could have received a nice tip at home in our bedroom. Once he made it to my table he then asked if I wanted a glass of wine………………..seriously??? no I want a damn box!! …. I didn’t say that but I was thinking it. 

Fast forward to 10 minutes ago…..the Mister comes home and tells me that I hurt his feelings.Hmmmm….when? he tells me that when I made a comment that he wasn’t very attentive it hurt his feelings. Then he continued on saying that he had other tables and that I’m his wife. Baffled, I replied “Yeah….and you invited me to dinner, wife or not!! I was at one of your tables and deserve the same treatment.  I shouldn’t have had to wait for a glass of wine or be asked if I wanted one …when I am all set to leave”

So …. I guess this is just another one of those “agree to disagree” moments…….I just learned my lesson, and if I come and visit him at work I will make sure I am in someone else’s section and then he can visit me.  He’ll be happy and I will be happy…..and my wine glass will be filled!!

Took me an hour but I'm finally unzipped!!!

Finally unzipped!

So it took me umpteen times but I finally figured out how to unzip a file. I have a feeling the geek squad would have had a field day with me if they were watching me try to unzip a file. I’m currently working on a blog for the Mister and I to share our weekend getaways with the blogworld. So I found a template that we both agreed on….but it was zipped.  Well after a glass of merlot and a cookie later I figured out that you just can’t upload a zip file….you have to unzip it first? Seriously, who thought of this?? Some complicated techie? So there I go to my favorite site….google.com.

Now some sites were helpful and some where just plain confusing for a girl who seriously turned her brain off at 5pm. My brain is going non-stop at work from 8-5pm, so it wasn’t about to comprehend anything other than HOW TO pictures.  Just imagine the surprise when I finally got it….I yelled to the MISTER that I did it! He wasn’t that excited…..only if he knew that I’ve been trying to unzip for the last hour. 

I bet if I was trying to unzip something lacy and revealing he would care a little bit more.

What I would say to my younger self

What would I say, if I could, to my younger self. Like if we were to meet up at the local Berry Star.Would I start off with the do’s and don’t of relationships? Hmmmm probably not….I couldn’t very well tell her that the “pull out method” doesn’t work because that would alter the future, and “don’t take life too seriously” just seems effortless. I couldn’t Dr.Phil it out…..she would see right past me.

Get involved; don’t just sit on the sidelines. Sign up for something, join a club, try a sport….like maybe tennis.

Don’t be afraid of making mistakes because you learn so much more when you take risks and push yourself. Push your boundaries, don’t rely on what you know….what is routine. 

Stay away from the drama, it’s really a waste of your time and getting in the middle of the drama just may turn out really bad for you in the long run.

Lose the negative people in your life, they aren’t good for you…..don’t try and change them because unless they want to change they won’t and they will just weigh you down with their negativity.

Don’t be so damn hard on yourself.  Yeah, you screwed up.  You’re not perfect, fine.  Learn from it.  But don’t punish yourself.  Be kind to you, even when you screw up.  You’ll bounce back eventually.  You’ll make up for it. 

Sunblock….wear it. Stay away from the Wesson Oil….and Moisturize!!

Realize your life isn’t like the movies or  a daytime soap opera. We won’t be rescued by a Hugh Jackman or Gerard Butler. The only one who is going to save you is ….you. Prince Charming is better left on the screen.

Speaking of Prince Charming, it’s ok to believe in LOVE….but not every man you meet is Prince Charming. You will kiss a lot of frogs….and jack ass’s but you will also meet some that just knock your socks off but that doesn’t mean HE’S the one.

Heart break – it’s not the end of the world. It will seem that life can’t go on without him…..but it does !!!  Grab your bestfriend, a bowl of ice cream and watch some SEX IN THE CITY episodes!!  

You can do things by yourself. You are not a loser if you go to the movies by yourself or sit in a restaurant with a book over a nice lunch. It’s liberating …… 

Don’t dye your hair black. Keep to auburn or brown…..and don’t over process your hair. Your hair is beautiful….and DON’T cut it short, it’s not a good look.

Learn how to keep track of your spending and realize no amount of shopping will give you real self-esteem.  

Keep a journal, it’s important to write what you are feeling down instead of keep them bottled in. Write about your likes, dislikes, your conversations with your parents and grandparents.

It's ok to be a klutz

Understand that this is your life, not theirs, and you’ll have no one to blame but yourself if things don’t work out the way you’d hoped.  At a certain point, you have to stop pointing fingers behind you toward your childhood. You cannot be walking around worried about what people will think of you.  At the end of the day, all that really matters is what YOU think of you.  Even if people say great things.  Horrible things.  Their opinion shouldn’t matter more than your own. 

Things My Mother Never Shared With Me

The horror of ARM JIGGLE :

My mother never warned me that when I hit a certain age certain parts will start to sag. I swear I think I’m about to take off when I start to comb my hair and I see my arm flaps just flapping away so carelessly or when I’m blow drying my hair, and there it is.......hanging. Urggghhhh the torture. It reminds me of the scene in the sweetest thing when Christina Applegate shares her saggy under arm horror. That’s seriously what it is…..horror. There’s no magic cure, there’s no sag be gone, or sag under arm miracle cream…………………no you have to go to the gym or work out in the comfort of your home to make those things disappear.

Shit…..if my mother only told me about this I probably would have gotten a jump start on preventing the sagging under arm situation a long time ago. All she would have had to do was show me hers and I’d be sportin some nice arms at the age of 36.

So I pulled my daughter aside and warned her. I showed her what gravity can do to under arms if you neglect them. She wasn’t too horrified….but she can at least say that I warned her!!!!