Simply not invited!

The last family reunion I attended was right before I left Wisconsin to move back to California. I have known that family reunions have come and gone with no invitations ever coming in the mail. I wasn’t really bothered because I knew I would see my family members…aunts…uncles…cousins at my sisters wedding renewal ceremony. That was 3 years ago.

During mommy and daddy dearest recent visit they happen to ask if I was going to the reunion. Perplexed I asked “what reunion?” , “ohh you didn’t get your invitation? I gave you them your address”.My mother said. My dad responded "oh we haven't received our invitation yet either".... Then the conversation dropped.  No mention of the reunion. I figured that it was probably in a couple months and I would see something pop in the mail soon. ….wrong. I was made aware 2 days ago by my sister that the reunion is this weekend and that she received the invitation last month and an email regarding the reunion.  This weekend!!!  I then go back to my conversation with M&D dearest and they never really told me when the reunion was and why would they ask if I was going to the reunion when they knew I hadn’t planned any trips to Illinois or Wisconsin, and knowing how they are, I truly doubt they gave my address or email address to anyone.

Would you have gone? Has been the question that’s been thrown around and in all honesty…..if I planned it right and the money was there then yes I would have went. I wouldn’t have gone to see M&D dearest, I would have gone to see my sister, nephews and other family members especially my cousins. It should have been my decision not the decision of my parents.

---God knows I need a vacation. 

I called the mister and told him that I emailed the lady who is putting on the reunion, just to make sure she was given my address like my parents had claimed. I also mentioned to the mister that if I had the money I would book a flight right now and head to the reunion this saturday. Then out of no where the mister says "is that why  you have alot of animosity towards me?"......I asked what was he talking about. He then says that he feels that because he isn't working much and money isn't coming in that I am upset with him because I can't go................OK excuse me!!  I wanted to say that is wasn't about him and for him to turn it around in that manner was completely unbelievable....but I kept my thoughts to myself and said he had nothing to do with this and I'm just annoyed because I never had the opportunity to think about it....and plan..... but the thought of being able to show up at the reunion and see the shock look on my parents faces would be priceless!!!

A visit from mommy and daddy dearest

I haven’t seen mommy and daddy dearest for 4 ½ years and about 2 weeks ago I received a call from daddy dearest he said that they were coming out for mommy dearests 50^th class reunion, to see her brothers and sister and they wanted to fit us in for a visit on Sunday before they leave on Monday. “Fit us in” huh…..that’s nice.   I told him that I would make sure the kids were home and that I do hope they keep their word and not disappoint their grandkids because they have promised visits before and they have choose other destinations.

So yesterday, the Mister, his kids , my kids and I met up with mommy and daddy dearest at a local restaurant.  The initial meet and greet was as uncomfortable as a gyno appt. My mother gave her usual fake “I’m happy to see you” hug…..which was icy and totally unnecessary and my father looked uninterested in the whole ordeal. He was probably just counting down to the next time he lights up a cigarette. My daughter and the Mister were the ones mainly conversing with them and when I would ask a question I received a one sentence answer. The mister later told me that you could cut the tension with a knife and that my mom had difficulty even trying to talk to me and he even agreed with me about daddy dearest…….he was just totally disconnected.

After lunch my kids and I joined mommy and daddy dearest at the mall and I couldn’t have planned what happened next any better. There by the shoes was my boss and I have never been this happy and relieved to see her. I approached her and introduced my parents…..now she’s heard pretty much the horror stories regarding them and recent events and without batting an eye she said “do you know how fabulous your daughter is?”….long pause turns to awkward pause…..finally my mom answers “yes we do”, then my boss turns to daddy dearest and says “you’re the retired police officer?”….he told her yes….then without skipping a beat she says “now I see where she gets her great work ethic!”. Minutes later  I said good bye to my boss and was impressed by her stellar performance all day!!  As the mall experience continued, daddy dearest couldn’t stop asking what we were here to get and I just told him my son had a gift card to get some clothes. ….we were only there for 30 minutes and headed out of the mall to another store where mommy dearest wanted to buy my daughter and I something…..daddy dearest decided to park under some shade, smoke and take a nap……nice for trying to bond with his family who he never sees.

When the shopping ended we headed out to our cars. They took pictures with their grandkids….and then we stood with that awkward silence, sometimes with a comment here or there for awhile. Finally we said good bye and the kids and I were headed home. The kids expressed to me that they felt a little awkward with the whole visit and really didn’t have much to say to them.  I told them that it was ok and it’s perfectly normal to feel disconnected to them because they don’t make it a point to be part of their lives.

As I look back at the visit I just remember the times my son would reach for my hand or hug me  in front of them and when my daughter would put her arm around me or joke  with me.  The way I interacted with my children is opposite of how things were like with me growing up and I wonder if mommy and daddy dearest noticed the love that my children and I have for each other. The hugs weren’t fake, the laughter wasn’t forced……….it was how it should have been for me growing up, but consciously I stopped the cycle and work hard to not make the same mistakes they did.

ODE to Mommy Dearest

In a recent writing prompt we were told to write about a memory and the one that sticks out in my head right now is one when I was about 6 years old ......now before I begin this isn't a happy, special memory. If you have followed me for awhile you have read my ups and downs with my parents since I was young, but through the dysfunction of my relationships with them I have stopped the cycle with my own children.

At the time, I was having fun swimming in our Jacuzzi when my mother came out and told me that I needed to get out because my father was going to be bringing some people over to tend to our backyard. This meant 2 things to me as a 6 year old girl 1. Fun time was over 2. THOSE people were coming over again.

I looked at my mom and mumbled

“I wish that they would go back where they came from”

With a stern look my mom replied

“ what did you say!!”

My little bratty self repeated myself . This was my first lesson in “think before you speak”

She then boldly said “ well then that would mean your grandmother and I would have to go back”

I began to argue the fact that my grandmother and mom were NOT the same as them and that they didn’t live on San Fernando Blvd or come from across the border. I remember having this conversation with my mom and wondering why she was making such a big deal about this and why did she have to bring my grandmother into this conversation. I just wanted to continue swimming!!

She then told me that I had hurt her feelings and would have to answer to my father. “WHAT”….I jumped out of the Jacuzzi and stomped behind my mom wondering why I had to answer my father. The answer I got just baffled me and still baffles me to this day. She said “I’m not going to talk to you, you will have to go to your father if you need anything” she  turned and went on her pouty way. There I stood sopping wet wondering what the heck just happened.

“my mom is ignoring me because I didn’t want the dirty old men to come and disturb my swim while they work in the backyard?”.  I went to my dad and asked why mom was pouting and he told me that I hurt her feelings. “you got to be kidding me !” I thought.  I began to tell my father that those men that he picks up on the blvd are dirty and I just wanted them to go back where they came from and that grandma and mom were NOT from the streets of San Fernando or Mexico.  My dad just told me to go and tell my mom sorry.

So there I stood in my wet bathing suit staring at the men tending to our backyard confused at what just transpired and to make things even more interesting …..my mother didn’t talk to me for a week!!

My  mother ignored me , a six year old little girl who didn’t know any better for a week because I didn’t understand why these men were on the streets looking for work. She never sat me down to make me understand or have a clearer heart for these men who are trying to earn money for their families. She made this about her….not about correcting her misguided 6 year old.

My Adventure at 15 - Writing Prompt

A brat ? yes….rebellious I wasn’t but I wanted to make a point. The point being that mommy and daddy dearest needed loosen their parental reigns just a bit  and if they were going to already categorize me as a “partier, alcoholic and a wild child” then why not just jump right into what they thought me to be. Right??  Now, I assume they got this stupid assumption of me when I was 15, my room covered in NKOTB posters and from time to time I listened to INXS and Guns and Roses. Now…..I was still that silly teenage girl who cried at the drop of a hat when she saw Joey,Donnie,Danny,Jordan and John  on T.V but I guess because I also listened to the hair band/rockish type of bands I was now in their heads was this out of control “ wild child” and I do remember the first time that I came home from hanging out with friends and told to come straight to my father’s room to “have a talk” next thing I know he’s giving me a sobriety test. Ok, I wasn’t the type to hit their bar cabinet and drink some vodka and fill it up with water….I may have taken a few sips of a wine cooler but back in the day I thought that  was daring. It wasn’t until after the uncalled sobriety test and lecture that I just thought “heck I must be missing out"; there was nothing that I could do to prove to my parents that I wasn’t what they thought me to be. I had already been thrown into the “bad child” category a long time ago.  

It was sophomore year and my best friend and I were just at our wits end with our parents. Of course “they didn’t understand” or wanted to understand what we were going through. I guess that’s why Dennine and I gravitated towards one another just because our parents refused to let us have some sort of life….a teenage life, but her and I had that LABEL of “bad child”.  Due to this label bestowed on us we jumped right in….we started to ditch school and sneak out of the house to discover what we were being held captive of. Most of the time we snuck over to each other’s homes and watched VHS movies or episodes of Jerry Springer….nothing too wild and crazy. This was our way of “showing them”…..but in “showing them” our grades dropped and notices came home and of course our parents “talked” and realized that we had been ditching classes. So the call was made and Dennine and I were no longer to have the same class schedules or hang out together.  

Of course we weren’t going to HAVE that and we were really going to SHOW them!!  So around midnight I jumped the back fence and met up with Dennine and her boyfriend. We all stayed in a hotel room just going over “our plan” for this new independence. In a way I think we wanted our parents to “see what they were missing” to come together and realize that we weren’t BAD we just wanted this label to be taken off and their actions led us to where we were at…..in a seedy motel room. Morning came and I knew by this time my father would have had reported to his cop friends that his daughter and friend went missing, I could only imagine my mother just putting on this crying act for everyone to see “ohhhh how could the Lord do this to me”. She always blamed the Lord for any hardship done to her…..including my pregnancy (but that’s another story). 

For a couple days we had just roamed our local streets, the Laundromat being our safe haven. We would just sit and think about what we had done and what we were going to do. We decided later that evening to call the Runaway hotline and get some advice, and as we were dialing the number we heard “Hey girls!” As we turned around we noticed it was her father. He didn’t seem all that upset, unlike the wrath that was to come when I got home. He reached for his brick sized phone and called Dennines mom (they were separated). At this time her mother and step father were at my home and from what we were told my mother let out a huge cry “we found them we found them”. Hmmmm no you didn’t Dennines dad found us. He then told them that he was going to take us out to eat but that was quickly changed and we had to come home ASAP. Her father shrugged and  said a few words to us but I don’t recall it being a lecture, if I remember right he seemed to understand our rebellious act.  

As we entered the house we were told to go directly to the table where there was a plate of bread and two glasses of water. “wow” ok…..my dad was REALLY playing his role as cop!! Did this scare us? No I remember us talking about this later on and thinking it was hilarious. We sat through their lecture, accusations, name calling and sentence …Dennine was told that she was going to go live with her father in Los Angeles and I was grounded for eternity which was nothing different from before. The following week I was taken to a gynecologist to make sure that I was still a virgin. 

I often ask myself if I had to do it all over again would I? Probably no,t because it didn’t change the fact of my parents perception of me. Nothing I could have done before my adventure or after would make them see me the way they saw my sister. She was the IT child, not me. …..and it took me until my late 30’s to realize this.  What I learned from all this though was I will not label my children in any negative way…… “Troubled”, “bad child”, “waste of a human”, are titles that should never be bestowed on a child. 

If Mommy Dearest wrote a blog -Writing Prompt

This weeks Writing Prompt From

:  

If my Mom were a blogger

I would assume she would take the not so honest approach about her life and go for the “feel sorry for me” tactic. Her “About Me “ would probably go something like this:

(and while you read this I'm the oldest of my sister and I)

ABOUT ME: 

Unhappily married for 35 + years, newly retired, mother of 2 girls and grandmother of 7 kids.

My wonderful life

Easter is just around the corner, this may be one of my very last Easters considering I’m getting up there in age so it will be just me and my husband on that glorious day. My youngest daughter and her family will be spending the holiday with her in-laws, I guess that’s ok considering it’s “their turn” and my oldest well, she’s in California and I don’t speak to her much so I’m not sure what her plans are. I should call my grandkids I haven’t talked to them in ages ; oh yeah I almost forgot I do have 2 new grandkids …..but again I think my grandkids should call me I am their grandma and who knows this may be my last Easter!

Well, today is another cold day. I’m so tired of this dreaded weather, I can’t stand this place and Jack is never here he’s always gone playing card games at that damn smoky bar.  I swear if it wasn’t for his retirement plan and pension I would have left him a long time ago when he had his little fling with that blonde years ago. My mother  always said I have to take care of myself you know!! So I play the role of happy wife when we are at family events.  If it were up to me I would move to Illnois to be closer to my daughter and my two adorable grandsons, my daughter and I  have the best relationship. I can’t begin to tell you how proud I am of her. She’s married, lives in the suburbs, has her own business, she’s involved in her community and is a wonderful mother to her 2 little boys. She has always had it together unlike my oldest daughter……..my husband and I have pretty much written her off years ago. My youngest as always been successful in all that she does and we are so proud of her!

~ohhhh my dang knee~ if it’s not my back it has to be something and now my knee is killing me. I better call and set up an appointment to get that checked. I just found out my results for my recent visit to the doctors earlier this week……there was no hole in my throat. I swear there was something there….but I got a clean bill of health from my doctor. My oldest  thinks I’m a hypochondriac but it’s not my fault that I get sick every other day and have to make an appt to see my doctor. I’m not getting any younger and you can’t trust these doctors now a day, they are always missing something.

 Till next time 

Mommy Dearest  

Mommy and Daddy Dearest ------You Suck!!!

I knew as of last October that my parents chose to change their destination from California to Vegas. I was told by my father that they were trading in their tickets and going to Vegas to celebrate my mothers retirement.  Not completely stunned by their actions I did remind my father that they did promise their grand kids; my children that they would visit them this past summer…..which came ……and went.  With that he bypassed the subject and continued on with the conversation.

Today I received a call from my mom, hesitant to answer I picked up after the 5^th ring and took a deep breath. She began to tell me that they had plan a “last minute” trip to Vegas next weekend and was wondering if we could come up. “Last minute?”….i believe not. I began to tell her that there would be no way that we could afford to take not only us but our four kids to Vegas next weekend. So I simply asked if they could take a day and drive down to us and visit their grandchildren which they haven’t seen in ….years. To that she stated that they weren’t driving to Vegas they were flying so they weren’t going to rent a car. She kept stating that this was a spontaneous trip which was beyond the truth and finally I told her that I knew that this wasn’t a spare of the moment, fly by the seat of their pants trip. One, they aren’t those type of people and 2. They are all about planning things out in advance.  I told her that I knew that they had planned this for awhile and again there would be no way for us to come out next weekend which also happens to be Super Bowl Weekend!!!!

Knowing that I just caught her in a lie, she started to stammer over her words and I just started to get highly annoyed ….no that’s wrong I was getting angry. I told her that I would have to go because I was still at work, all the while I was feeling that lump in my throat and I knew at any minute the tears would come. Tears of disappointment……tears that I held back for nearly a year. 

Sitting at my desk I felt the heat rise throughout my body and tears of anger rolled down. How dare she…how dare them!!! It’s only a 3 hour drive from Vegas to our house in California……it’s a longer trip from their place in Wisconsin to Illinois where my sister lives and from time to time they will visit their grandkids and take them back with them. They have gone out of their way to visit my oldest daughter who’s attending college in Kansas….now from what I can recall in geography class, Kansas and Wisconsin is more than a 3 hour drive. 

Why do they make the effort to see my sister and her family and refuse to see their oldest daughter and their grandkids?  Actually I could care less if they see me but they need to see their grandchildren, that’s what is important and what better way to celebrate the Superbowl and the win of our Packers then to have a BBQ with family. Obviously to them that doesn’t seem to be that important. 

Bottom line…..this is their choice. My only disappointment is that they are missing out in spending time with amazing grandkids, meeting my husband and having a nice time with family……but again from what my counselor has told me time and time again that I shouldn’t expect anything from them because it will only lead to disappointment. ……”They are not the parents your sister has” even though they ARE, they will never be.

Mommy and Daddy Dearest

My relationship with my parents is pure dysfunction. I’ll admit it. Enough visits to therapists settled any thoughts that maybe it was just me and I find it entertaining that after months of sessions  that I’m told it should be my parents sitting across from them instead of me.

This past weekend I received a call from them, now if it wasn’t for the Mister pushing me to answer the phone I would have just let the call go to voicemail. I took a deep breath and said hello it was then I was greeted by my mothers snide tone congratulating me on getting married to the Mister  (note I got married 2 weeks ago). The conversation was purely uncomfortable; I knew she didn’t want to talk to me just as much as I didn’t want to speak with her. It was though she felt obligated to call, and after her brief catch me up with her life she handed the phone to my father and as she handed the phone to him I heard her fakeness slide right off of her……..following her huff of annoyance she told my dad that it was me on the phone and that she had informed me about the package that was in the mail. Seriously she could have done me a favor and put me on mute or cover the phone with her hand. My conversation with my father was just as unpleasant; he couldn’t help but throw in the fact that they were going to take a trip to Vegas in the next couple of months. Now…..don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t care if they went to timbucktoo but when they gave their word to my children that they were going to come out this past summer to visit them and instead of seeing them they go to Vegas and then suggest that I can bring my kids to see them while they are in Vegas just made me sad.

Sad because they are missing out on bonding with their grandkids due to their issues with their relationship with me.

The fact remains that they will never be the type of parents that I hoped they would be and with months of counseling I’ve come to terms with the fact that I will never have the parents my sister has….but I will no longer stand on the side lines hoping that maybe one day they will treat me the same as they do her.