Screw your damn intake

The mister and I were to attend what we thought was a counseling appointment the other day. We waited close to a month after the “orientation” for this appointment.

A month ago we had to attend a "orientation" pertaining to what we are to expect in counseling.  During that long hour and a half I couldn’t believe that I left work early to hear a man stand up in front of a bunch of unhappy couples barely making any sense explaining how happy couples survive. Seriously? This man stumbled around every other word and to me I swear he was on some heavy drugs. It took every ounce in me to stay seated and not storm out…..the only thing keeping me planted on that seat was the fear that I had to do this all over again. At the end he stated that we had to call the number listed on the card to make an appt. Done… 

One month later(earlier this week)

As we walked in the room I was ready to lay everything out there, then the man proceeded to say that this was our intake. “Our what?”…..he started to ask the Mister a stream of questions. Are you depressed? On what scale are you depressed? Did you grow up with available parents? Where they there for you emotionally ?  Do you drink if so how much? 30 minutes into it I’m thinking “you got to be kidding me?”. They could have saved time by giving us this paperwork and have us fill it out on our own in the dang waiting room.  The mister notices that I’m getting pretty inpatient about the whole ordeal because all I’m thinking is when do we get to the talking part! Then he turns to me and asks the same dang questions…………………..do you worry? Yes, who doesn’t you moron! , do you get plenty of sleep? Hmmm don’t you see the dark circles under my eyes? What keeps you from getting a full nights rest? I kept it short…finances, stress, work, kids, crumbling marriage! He continues, do you have a lot of stress in your life? Dude…seriously didn’t I just tell you, isn’t this YOUR job to listen. I just told you the reasons why I can’t sleep? Yes I have stress and from a scale of 1-10 it’s about an 8 ……and will be a 9 by the end of this meeting if there’s not going to be any counseling in a minute.  Were your parents there physically when you were growing up? Yes….. Were they there emotionally for you? hmmm….no and still aren’t. Do you have a couple hours?  But instead I gave him a snip-it to save us time and  finish this dumb  INTAKE. 

When he was done with me he sits back in his chair and says “ok you guys are able to make an appointment to see one of our counselors you have met the criteria”.  Excuse me? We passed what……the How Screwed Up You Are test? I could have told you that a month ago. I wanted to say but instead I looked at him and said “so basically we are screwed up enough to move on”.  After sharing several other classes that this place offers he walks us up front to set up an appointment.  “The earliest we can get you in is August 22^nd”…………”seriously? A month and a half”…..i turned and walked away leaving the Mister to deal with it.  I was HOT!! This place is a joke…..a month ago we waste time in a uncalled for orientation, I take time off from work just for some guy to ask us questions that I’m perfectly capable of filling out on paper and now…..we have to wait till the end of August just to be told what???  “ohhh you guys are more dysfunctional then we thought you need to meet with so and so” We walked into the elevator ……the Mister knowing that I was livid about the situation stayed quiet then as the doors shut I said “this is B.S what kind of place is this!!”

Puppies,Prozac and The Pursuit of Happiness

We all go on some sort of journey to find our happiness. Whether it be spiritual, emotional or physical. Some think we can find happiness in other people or simply existing as a partner in a relationship depending solely on that person to bring happiness into our life. I can say I’m guilty of doing just that. In the past I thought that all my problems and inner bullshit would go away if I just happened upon the “perfect” relationship….all I had to do is find the perfect man and all would fall into place, which meant I would be happy forever and always…………right? No…..wrong. Life isn’t that simple.

In the last few months I had to deal with upper management and their games, my relationship and its future, my oldest daughter coming home from college and I swear she had been abducted by the pod people and replaced by a “condescending know it all”, my dog who was about to give birth and researching everything that I needed to know about the big day and the days after, and most importantly how to deal with staying sane, because with work being the way it was I was a mess. My anxiety levels were at an all time high that two glasses of wine was the highlight of my afternoon. It wasn’t until I had a mini melt down at work that I decided to see my doctor. She heard a mouth full and prescribed me some anxiety and sleep medication. At first I was apprehensive…. “I don’t need anxiety medication, I’ll just lock myself in the bathroom and do some deep breathing” I thought….but then when do I really ever have 10 minutes to just lock myself in a bathroom without hearing someone yell for me or my faithful dog Lily sniff from the under the door and locate her best friend only to have her ball sitting there right next to her for a game of fetch. So I picked up my prescription and gave it a go.

The Mister and I didn’t find happiness in couples therapy ; that to me was a bunch of crap and it just seemed to bring out unnecessary deep rooted issues in my life that seriously I didn’t want to deal with or better yet…..bring up yet again. I didn’t need to relive the fact that my mother is a dysfunctional piece of work or how my SELF image and low self esteem stems from my fathers lack of tact. I already know I’m a work in progress, I just needed to get a handle on things. The question was how??? How do I get a handle on all that was spinning out of control, find happiness and just deal with life as it was?

George Michael said it best “You just gotta have Faith”. I needed to regain faith in myself, the mister, and GOD…..he does have my back and has taught me some valuable lessons even when I was pretty much tired of those dang lessons

Couples Therapy --Part Deux

Our first session went alright, it was your typical get to know you, what do you think is wrong in this relationship kind of session. I can only explain yesterday’s session in one word, exhausting.

She started asking about our week and asked if anything happened after our last session. I gave her the cliff note version of our weekend in Santa Barbara and the incident in the bar in which stemmed into our conversation about “The Guy” and his friendly flirting ways. “Please explain friendly flirting” the therapist asked. Seriously I have no patience for this mumbo jumbo. I wanted to say “a flirt times 10”, but I knew she wanted a deeper definition. So I told her that a friendly flirt to me is one who is overly nice, overly seeking the attention of the opposite sex, will drop what he’s doing at a drop of a dime to help someone(woman) in need, flirts with his eyes and smile, overly attentive, will express his desires and life philosophy to a total stranger just to get validation that he’s a good person. Well, of course she sits there examining her legal pad and says “so your definition describes me”. Ohhhh great! she’s going to validate his behavior because she doesn’t see that what he is doing is disrespectful, which undoubtedly is the case. She throws out “so this woman comes up to you guys, and just directs her attention to him, they mirror each other because they are out going and friendly and this bothers you…do you not want him to have female friends?” , screw you lady, that’s NOT what I’m saying. I told her calmly that it doesn’t bother me that he has female friends, up until he got fired he conversed with his female co-workers all the time, it’s the ones that he keeps secret is what I have a problem with.

After a few minutes of therapist babble, and moments of dissecting “the guy” and hearing excuses for his “friendly flirting” and the need to help women when it’s us he needs to help. I told them both flat out that I’m tired of the excuses for his actions or lack of smarts when it comes to boundaries, I’m tired of him not being accountable for his everyday life, work schedule, money etc . Then she looks at me and says “who does he remind you of?, ohhhh great I’m about to be dissected. I looked at him and then back to her and shrugged my shoulders. Seriously I didn’t want to go there, I had a long day and I didn’t want my brain to be her sandbox to play in, but of course I opened up and said “the men in my past”, “which man in particular, Jolene”…… “my father” ohh no what did I just do, and of course here comes the scalpel!

Here’s the thing, I’ve already worked through this with my own counselor and I didn’t want to go here with her, but she kept slicing away….so with her legal pad ready and scalpel in hand I began, but she only got the cliff note version. I told her that my father was always full of excuses, he was hardly a man of his word. “did he cheat on your mother?”… “I wouldn’t be surprised” I replied, I went on to say that he was a cop and he was always out with his buddies or kept late at work (or so he said), or on a sports team of some sort but when he HAD to take me along to these games I saw him do his own style of “friendly flirting” with the women on the team, especially one blonde. I wasn’t naïve, I knew he was playing with fire. I remember nights being tossed in the car on the search for my father or sitting in the back seat watching my mom watch him through a window at the bar. Of course he had excuses , but it stemmed further than that, I was for the first 6 years of my life his little girl then once my sister came around someone took my seat on my dads lap and I heard excuse after excuse why he couldn’t be there for me. “so he sort of abandoned you once your sister came along? He wasn’t the man you thought he was, was he?” . and she got a big fat NO. The counselor was under the impression that my parents were divorced, and I quickly corrected her and told her that they are still together and reside in Wisconsin, granted their relationship may be based on lies and heartless emotion they still portray a picture of husband and wife. My mom is the controlling manipulator and my dad has now drawn up the white flag and has become her puppet. It’s sad really. I finished up by saying that I have no relationship with my parents, that after many visits to my counselor I am no longer expecting them to turn into the parents my sister had the pleasure to have in her life, that I have to think of them as deceased……and that’s how I cope, their games can’t hurt me any longer.

As she drew up her scalpel she said that the men in my life are never what they seem. I’ve been searching all my life for a man to hold strong to his word, to bring safety into my life and to stop with excuses but it continues in a vicious circle. She tells me that I never had good role models to mirror a healthy relationship therefore I find myself constantly in dysfunctional ones. Great!!!!! “The Guy” interjects and begins to talk about his fear of me leaving him, because he’s lost so many that he has loved, he tells her about losing his brother at a young age and how with that he was never able to work through his emotions which now turn into anger. He shares with her how he’ll ask me a question about us or what was the best part of this past weekend and the answer he got wasn’t to his liking. With a stern voice the therapist looks at him and says “YOU’RE SETTING YOURSELF UP!” , she continues to ask him what he would have done if I said I had a horrible weekend. He said he would feel hurt. I told her that he constantly needs validation and it’s exhausting. “do you love me”, “do I make you happy?”, “what can I do to make you happy?” , “do you still find me attractive?”.

I told you it was exhausting, didn’t I ? the rest of the session was your typical he said, she said visit. She spoke about “Divine Interruptions” which God throws down at us to prevent us from something bad, she heard Joel Olsteen speak about this and it actually made a lot of sense. She basically stated that our cancellation of our wedding was a divine interruption and if we would have gotten married we would have now been headed to divorce court. She looks down at her legal pad and turns her glance to me and said “Jolene while you were speaking you said ….when I WAS in love with him….are you not in love with him now?”.

Where’s the hidden stenographer and please have her tell me when I said that? quickly I try and recall when I said that I wasn’t in love with him as they both wait for an answer. I then told her that I am not sure anymore, so much as gone on, and he’s not the man that he made himself out to be. As she started to wrap up the session, he interrupted and said that he had one last thing to say and it was to me. He started to tell me how much he loves me and how much I mean to him….he told me that he will do everything in his power to make things right. The whole time he was reciting what he has told me over and over again I sat there thinking “you have to be kidding me? Tears, emotion is he trying to score points with the therapist”. When he was done, there was silence and I know they were expecting me to reply, but HOW?? The silence was awkward and I wasn’t going to break it, I seriously had a few montages going through my head….one of which I laughed out loud and said ARE YOU KIDDING ME!! And it didn’t end well. So I waited until she said “so what do you have to say Jolene”, and I looked at her and said “honestly, he says this ALL the time and until I see action behind those words it doesn’t mean much”. She looked at him and said “ok, so you know what she wants…..she wants you to be a man of your word, she wants a safe place”

“See you guys in 2 weeks and leave all that went on here today …..HERE, don’t bring it home”.

Easier said than done

Couples Therapy??? seriously...... urgh

Couples therapy ………..seriously?

We’ve tried this twice before with my therapist and it never ended well. I don’t know who he thought he was fooling sitting there spouting out his life philosophy and how he just wants the best for us, his version of his “side” of the story seriously was as holey as swiss cheese.  While I sat there biting my tongue, fuming, and rolling my eyes which of course was caught by my counselor……who had to state the obvious “Jolene why are you  rolling your eyes”.  “because he’s just telling you what he thinks you want to hear and he’s NOT telling the full story” is what I wanted to say ….but it came out a bit different than that, I think the word “he's not telling the truth” was tossed out along with a few other  choice words.

This would be our first visit to couples therapy since the cancellation of the wedding, so this is going to be just as fun as going to the gynecologist for a yearly pap. These sessions never end well and they just continue way into the night. Last night after our pre counseling fight he stated that there shouldn’t be any finger pointing, to which I replied that the first time I hear some story about how we were meant to be and his philosophy behind his life, and making himself out to be the “after”  of years of therapy poster child….. I’m out of there. 

I’m not sure what topic will be the main event. We could talk in length about his anger vs. my temper when pushed to its limits, there’s the all time favorite his sons vs. his lack of follow through, trust or lack there of would be fun to discuss. We definitely need to learn the correct way to play fair,granted with a little help from Amy I’ve learned a fair fighting tool especially when he gets to his boiling point. “Speak calmly but stern,and tell him that you will not be spoken to in that tone”, and keep saying it until he realizes that he shouldn’t be talking to you that way. Seems like a good idea…right, but when I put it into place last night I was told pretty much where to go and that he could talk to me anyway that he would like.

So by 4pm my stomach will start churning, by 4:30 I’ll be wishing for a bathroom, and by 5pm I’ll be thrown into the ring and by 6pm I will becancelling our weekend trip to Montecito.