I’m wishing these dogs would settle down. I need quiet. I
attempted to go to church tonight but I broke down in the parking lot. I broke
down because we go to church together; I broke down because I feared he would
show up, I feared that maybe he’d go to the house when I wasn’t there. I’m a
mess. Nothing and no one should keep me from attending church, I shouldn’t be fearful
but I was and I turned my car around and headed home.
I have been keeping it together in front of my kids this
week but tonight they are with their dad and it’s been a day from hell. I try
and keep the Mister out of my head…….but fear creeps in…...a car that sounds
like his sets me off, when I went to the store I look to see if he’s
around, a mutual friend came by to get
some of his things and tried to tell me things that the Mister shared with him.
I explained to my friend that I didn’t want him to be the “middle man” anymore,
it wasn’t fair for him……..it’s not.
I’m full of emotions and I know this blog is all over the
place but that’s too be expected after a glass of wine and a mind full of mangled
mush. We were supposed to be in San Francisco tonight with my friends Leslie
and Ed, we were supposed to be going to 49er’s game tomorrow, we were supposed
to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend…………………….but I’m home with
my 4 dogs and he is off doing whatever he’s doing. Yahooing ex girlfriends,
talking to whomever for attention and sympathy. Sympathy my ass!!! He even had
the nerve to call my friend to apologize for his actions last night…….what an
ass!!! He’s done damage that he doesn’t
even know about. He promised he wasn’t like the others ……. He promised to
protect me, what a great job he did.
Being fearful is the worst…..it traps you. Being full of anxiety numbs
you…….and this is all because of him…….Happy Anniversary to me!!!
OHHHH and to top it off…..I feel like Miranda in Sex and the
City where she made herself a chocolate cake and kept going back to it only to
pour soap on it …. I made myself some brownies….. you know,
chocolate/wine/girly flick without the girlfriends……..well……I’m about to pour
dish soap on those brownies because I don’t need to gain weight during this
mess…..the last thing I need to do is look like a fat pig…..OHHH wait ……I am a “F’in
fat ass pig” as the Mister stated to me last Sunday!!!
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