Never quite good enough

When I first met the Misters family I got the impression that they were about family and it even became more evident when we announced we were going to get married. Talk about being swarmed with unconditional love, his mother called to talk to me about my day, her day, the wedding almost daily. His father would greet me with a hug and a loving smile, there would be girl lunches and family parties ;I felt like I hit the family jack pot .  HIs mother would often tell me that they were my family now and this was due to the strain I have with my parents.

Things changed drastically when we cancelled the wedding due to issues that needed to be resolved prior to us taking such a big step of “For better or worse”, it was like one minute we were one big happy family, going to lunches and fittings and then the next minute “poof” it all disappeared. His sisters stopped calling, stopped returning my calls, his mother grew cold towards me and the hugs from his dad stopped. The family get together (beside the Christmas party) we no longer, it was strange. It took me awhile to understand the new family dynamic and how his mother’s word wasn’t so. Even after we got married things never returned to what I was introduced to. I have to admit I was sad, it was all a façade and this family wasn’t as close as they claimed to be but I accepted it and moved forward. I was touched by my mother in laws gracious and kind gift a few months back to send me to see my sister for a nice little weekend vacation, which I seriously needed.  Of course in the back of my mind I was thinking “whats the catch?”, “when will I have to pay it back”, but she said it was a gift and told a story about her relationship with her sisters. Yet again this gesture came out of nowhere but I thanked her from the bottom of my heart.

Imagine my surprise when I found out how my mother in law really felt about me. I knew she was upset about the incident that went down between her son and I, I was amazed how she condoned his actions and made me feel like I was a “nothing” in her eyes or to the family. I was saddened how she threw in the fact that I had a vacation on her dime and now she can’t take one because she has to bail out her son. I didn’t ask them for any assistance to see my sister, I would have found a way to spend time with her but now her act of graciousness was tarnished. I allowed her to speak her peace which wasn’t so peaceful, it stunned me actually and there standing beside her while giving me the riot act was my father in law with his head hung low. I did explain to her my actions, which I shouldn’t have but I did. I thought eventually she would see things clearly and not be so judgmental towards me, but I was wrong. It’s just getting worse, she now is feeding the Mister negative thoughts about me like I am going to take him for all he has (to that I say…what does he have?), I’m just going to run off with another man, I’m evil, I never loved him, and heres what really hurt to hear, she stated that if the Mister didn’t share all our drama with her she wouldn’t have all this anger and hatred towards me. It’s as if she’s saying “only if she (me) would have been submissive and not bring the tiger out of my son this wouldn't have happened therefore this was all her doing”.

I know she was delighted to hear that I was moving out of her son’s home real soon and although she claims she will stop enabling her son, I really don’t believe it. It just breaks my heart that she sees me as this woman who is only out to destroy her son’s life.

I remember that Sunday afternoon hours after the incident and my mother in law stood there telling me and a few others about how she tells her granddaughters that if they find love make sure the man they fall for doesn’t have a mom. Yes, I know…..we were all confused by this statement. She continued to state that she tells her granddaughters to run the other direction if the man’s mother is still living because nothing good will come out of it, because the mom will always be part of her sons life in all aspects. To this a few stepped in and debated this statement but she was dead set on standing true to her statement. I then thought...."is this what she would have liked me to do with her son before I met his family.....high tail it the other way and give up on the chance of a love so grand?". From the sounds of it.....maybe.

She stated that she was always made to feel by her mother in law that she wasn't ever good enough for her son and how that made her feel awful.......well, if she could only look at how shes behaving. It's not any better than how she was made to feel by her mother in law. .........right?

What a day....I'm glad it's almost over

When I woke up this morning I knew what day it was but I tried to not acknowledge it. I went about my morning routine-took the dogs out, bowls full, Shower, picked the house up from the dogs rough housing this morning, took my blankets and pillow from the couch to my bedroom (lately I’ve felt more comfortable there), I caught myself occasionally touching that ring that wasn’t there on my finger, instead there that indention of a ring that once was. I kept stating my must do list to myself just so I could stay on track. Crap, I have ten minutes to get to work, where did the time go. 

On my way to work I gave myself a little pep talk “ keep it together, don’t show them that you are down, don’t show weakness, focus on the tasks at hand, when a thought of the moment comes into your head banish it quick, work hard today, theres no need for interference”.  I’m pumped, I’m together and when I sit down at my desk my boss comes to me and in front of the office says “Happy Anniversary!” and pats me on my shoulder.  “uhm thanks” I said and logged into my computer, trying to hold it together. “Why did she have to mention that, why after all she knows regarding what happened, why would she say that?”  Within minutes by pep talk vanished from my head, clueless co-workers would stop me in the break room or bathroom asking how my weekend to San Fran went or asking if I was receiving flowers today or doing anything special. Those moments I just wanted to click my heels together I say “I want to go home, I want to go home”, or yell to Scotty to “Beam me up”!  But I’m not that lucky. I pacified their questions with an “ohh I don’t know” or “it was a nice weekend” (when it wasn’t) and hurried my way back to the safety of my cubicle. That’s when it hit…….that tonight I will be enjoying a Lean Cusine for dinner and a glass of wine ALONE, while he will be surrounded by his mommy and daddy getting sympathy or contacting some old acquaintances looking for attention.

See that’s were we are different. He will call people, mostly women to fill his void during troubling times it sort of reminds me of the time he got fired from a previous job. Somehow having them hear his side validates his actions, gives him a sense of “some one cares”. Where I close up and this is my only outlet. I don’t pull out my phone and feel the need to share the situation, I don’t NEED to include our friends, family and acquaintances in on this matter. I don’t even like talking to my good friends, sister, cousin or parents about it. They don’t need to be sucked into the drama……………and I know that they are just concerned but I don’t want to talk about it.  I already know that the wall that was broken down is now up around me, it’s even stronger than before. I’m full of so many different emotions that I can’t make sense of them all.

A beautiful song ...... at the right time!!

After I wrote the blog below I came across a blog by Beautiful Mommy Feet and on her play list was this song.......a song that I knew I'd hear in church. A song that I needed to hear ...............I will NOT be afraid because I know My God will protect me.

Thank you.........

Fat Ass Pig

I’m wishing these dogs would settle down. I need quiet. I attempted to go to church tonight but I broke down in the parking lot. I broke down because we go to church together; I broke down because I feared he would show up, I feared that maybe he’d go to the house when I wasn’t there. I’m a mess. Nothing and no one should keep me from attending church, I shouldn’t be fearful but I was and I turned my car around and headed home. 

I have been keeping it together in front of my kids this week but tonight they are with their dad and it’s been a day from hell. I try and keep the Mister out of my head…….but fear creeps in…...a car that sounds like his sets me off, when I went to the store I look to see if he’s around,  a mutual friend came by to get some of his things and tried to tell me things that the Mister shared with him. I explained to my friend that I didn’t want him to be the “middle man” anymore, it wasn’t fair for him……..it’s not. 

I’m full of emotions and I know this blog is all over the place but that’s too be expected after a glass of wine and a mind full of mangled mush. We were supposed to be in San Francisco tonight with my friends Leslie and Ed, we were supposed to be going to 49er’s game tomorrow, we were supposed to be celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend…………………….but I’m home with my 4 dogs and he is off doing whatever he’s doing. Yahooing ex girlfriends, talking to whomever for attention and sympathy. Sympathy my ass!!! He even had the nerve to call my friend to apologize for his actions last night…….what an ass!!!  He’s done damage that he doesn’t even know about. He promised he wasn’t like the others ……. He promised to protect me, what a great job he did.  Being fearful is the worst…..it traps you. Being full of anxiety numbs you…….and this is all because of him…….Happy Anniversary to me!!!

OHHHH and to top it off…..I feel like Miranda in Sex and the City where she made herself a chocolate cake and kept going back to it only to pour soap on it …. I made myself some brownies….. you know, chocolate/wine/girly flick without the girlfriends……..well……I’m about to pour dish soap on those brownies because I don’t need to gain weight during this mess…..the last thing I need to do is look like a fat pig…..OHHH wait ……I am a “F’in fat ass pig” as the Mister stated to me last Sunday!!! 

Keeping it together

Tonight we were supposed to be packing for our one year anniversary trip to San Francisco, instead I spent the day at the courthouse filing a restraining order against my husband.  He hasn't been back since last weekends occurrence and he won't be back for awhile. No, he's not in jail.....his mommy bailed him out of that mess. So he's staying with his parents and taking care of his issues. 

As far as me well, I'm taking it one day at a time. I have my moments of break down, unexpected tears falling when I'm in line at a check out stand and I look over and there's a man telling his wife he loves her, or like yesterday when I was at my sons football game and a couple was cheering on their son, the husband looks over to her and says "you're so pretty, I love you".  I tried to be incognito and wipe the tears away but you can only do so much, so I sat in my car until I could get it together. 

When the anxiety hits I use the tools my counselor said I should do.....sometimes it works and sometimes well I just get upset. Who wants to imagine themselves on a beach when you're ticked off at the man who was suppose to protect you? I don't!!!   I know some day I will get over the fear, get over the anxiety and become strong again....but it will take time.....................a long time.

it all changed in a blink of an eye

The unexpected happened, and life as I know it will never be the same anymore. I had wished our marriage was important to him. I wish he would have just stepped back, walked away and took control of his anger .......now we are all having to face the consequences. a broken marriage.

more to come..........

Would have been helpful

20 years ago!!!!

Cart Jacked -- Aug 18, 2011

Have you ever gone shopping to only step away from your shopping cart for a minute and when you return it's gone?

Well ...... this happened to me today and I wasn't too thrilled about it. My grocery shopping was pretty much complete... dog food (check), cereal (check), cheese (check), sausage (check), WINE (check check check). My cart was pretty full by the time I manuvered to the front of the store to the check out .......but I just knew by the look at the lines that I had a good 15 minutes before getting to the front and I really had to "GO to the bathroom" ......so i parked my cart next to an empty check out stand, closest to the bathroom .....i wasn't gone for more than 3-5 minutes and as i was ready to meet up with my shopping cart I see a clerk pushing an overstuffed cart........ wait......those contents at the bottom of my cart are mine.....WHAT THE HECK!! .....I see my wine, dog food, cheese, cereal......."Excuse me that's my cart!" I stated to the stunned clerk...... she turned and said "well I asked around and no one spoke up?"..(like the girl reading up on the latest gossip was going to pull herself away to take notice who is going to the bathroom)....annoyed i said "can't someone go to the bathroom without fear of their cart being taken?" .....she stated she can get my things but I saw my smooched bread and said "don't bother I  will spend another 30 minutes REshopping!".

Waiting for a SIGN

 

I support my children in every way possible. I even support there silly hobbies or sudden interest in the latest fad but what I don’t quite understand fully is my oldest daughters view on relationships.

I have a lot of respect for her, she is only 19 and her faith in God is at the highest of priority and always has been. Her goals for her future have been set in stone since she was a little girl. She is putting herself through college and has impressed us all!! But the only thing that she hasn’t experienced is LOVE, she has never dated and this is where her and her sister are at odds.

I wouldn’t say she has “old school beliefs” it’s more like "old world" beliefs. She believes that she will know whom she will marry when she sees the man. That she was raised that the man she will date will be the man she will marry and that her sister needs to stop having these “flings” with boys if she has no desire to marry them.  

Now when she states this was how she was raised….well I know I never said anything of the sort to her and her father wouldn’t have said this because he was way too busy with his “flings” before and after we were married. So unless she was transported back to the 1800’s or some Amish country in a night,  I’m not certain how she has come to way of thinking.

I just fear that she believes that it’s going to be like the movies or like the characters in her pioneer / Amish Christian books where there is one boy and one girl and WHAMMO happily ever after. No guy is going to stand holding up a sign saying “I’ve been sent here from God  I’m the one”. That’s not how it is , it’s not as simple and G rated as she thinks.  I wish it was but it’s not.  Theres a lot involved and yes theres no problem with meeting a guy, becoming friends ……eventually date with that little giddy girl feeling anticipating the possibility of marriage and see if you two are compatible to withstand a lifetime of marriage.  

I see her give her sister advice about relationships.......but as i keep my mouth shut i ponder "shouldn't you experience a relationship and love before you start dishing out advice on relationships".....her sister tries to debate her side but theres no wining in this scenario. 

Please stop the ride

 

The merry go round called my life never stops and what I mean by that is as you read in the previous blog; a rule has been put in place by my ex husband.. aka His Royal Highness when the kids were 5 years old. This rule is that our children if they choose to date have to introduce their boyfriend or girlfriend to him FIRST.  Tuesday was the first time I heard of this ludicrous rule but to calm the waters I agreed to respect this off the wall rule......seriously what does it matter who meets them first....ohhh wait, he claims to have a sixth sense and can tell if they are playing him or not. OK.

This morning my daughters boyfriend asked me if he could see my daughter. I explained to him that he cannot see her until he shakes his royal highness hand (ex husband).  Awhile later he tells me that he is going to meet with HRH tomorrow…..ok good I thought. Then I get a message from Jerry stating that HRH said it was ok for him to see my daughter today. I told him that no he is not going to see her until he meets with my ex tomorrow.

So to just pull this all together for you………….HRH had his panties in a bunch for the last day and a half, caused a bunch of havoc to only go back on his rule today. HELL NO!! so I texted him a nice message and by nice I mean…..to the point with a pinch of edgy bitchness to it. He advised me to call and call I did. In pure royal highness fashion he wanted to take control of the situation but I wasn’t going to have it. I told him he will listen first. I told him that he needs to explain why he would throw a fit and cause chaos to only over turn his rule. He stated “I can change my rule whenever I want to”……………my mouth was to quick for my head to process what came out next. “well next time you want to tweak your rule please send out a fucking memo!” He claimed since he was going to meet with him tomorrow then he didn’t want to seem like a dick and allowed for him to see her. ……..well 1. You are a Dick and 2. There is no way I’m going to allow that because some how some way it will  it will find its way back to me, bit me in the ass and I will be at fault. 

I explained his rule will stand as is and as far as him banning my daughter from going to church with me I clearly stated that if she is with me on Saturday and we choose to go that evening she will be going and Jerry will be going as well. He then turned the conversation into a religious issue………..he proceeded to explain that if she was a true catholic then any guy she plans to marry will have to become catholic because she would not be able to get married in a catholic church. I explained to him that he doesn’t need to give me a quick class in catholism considering I am one ……………I also threw out the question “so what happens if she falls in love with a jewish man? You do know he will not change his religious beliefs for her she will change for him?”  of course he wasn’t having it but I was saved by the bell!!! The lunch bell ……… I told him it was time for me to take my lunch and had to leave.

It comes down to the simple fact of him being a control freak and because he doesn’t wear the pants in his home he needs to control his children and try to control situations and others around him by his arrogant “I know all because I went to college” attitude. (mind you he went to school to be a PE coach).

Now how is this my fault

"It’s your fault to mom, you shouldn’t have allowed me to have him over”. Excuse me ? now how in the world has this turned into my fault?

Let me explain……

I’m not sure If I ever mentioned that I was once married for a brief 5 years back when I was 18. “His royal highness” and I had 3 children and for reasons I don’t want to bring up now …..we filed for divorce….he moved on and dated a stripper and I moved to the chilly Midwest with my 2 little girls and a bun in the oven.

Now….unfortunately we now live in the same town that we grew up in and we both raise our children………separately of course. Our style of raising our children can be at times a battle…….and looking at the calendar I guess another round was due. This time it involves our 17 yr old daughter. 

So from what I gather from all this chaos is  when she was 5 years old she made an agreement with “his royal highness” that when she would start dating that she would introduce her boyfriend to him first. YES you read that right….she was 5!!!  Now she is 17 and this is the first time I have ever heard of the ridiculous agreement. I want to see the contract ……and her signature that would probably be scribbled in crayon.

Last night I asked “His Royal Highness” to make sure he dropped the kids off at my house at 12, of course there was issues with that request but I didn’t let him steal my joy. Then he wanted to know if I knew that our daughter had a boyfriend. I told him that yes I knew she was dating Jerry and that I thought he was a good kid….plus he’s been attending church with us because his parents don’t believe in God and he was questioning his faith so we invited him to go with us. ---- I had no clue that I was about to step into a world of chaos.

My daughters boyfriend was sitting on her fathers curb a few days ago. “HRH” was outside watering flowers but assumed that this kid outside was just someone from the neighborhood and when he asked my kids (who were inside) if they knew him they said no. It wasn’t until Jerry texted my daughter to come outside that they realized who was sitting out on the curb. -----Now, if some kid was sitting outside on my curb for 30 minutes I know I would ask the kid if everything was ok and ask what he wanted with my daughter, but that’s just me----So HRH kept stating that this kid was a coward and that I’ve disrespected him by not telling him about this boyfriend. He pretty much took it to a personal level and started to compare our teenage encounters to her which was totally of base. 1. She’s not pregnant 2. She’s still a virgin and 3. She has made a vow to wait till she is married to have sex…………. . It came to a point beyond ridiculous  and LATE. I told him this is NOT our battle it’s between her and him and there has to be a reason why she feels she can’t bring anyone to his house and that he has to work on his relationship with his daughter and leave me out of it and stop the mud slinging.  Of course in RH fashion he kept going, but picked it back up this morning at 8:30 with his fists beating loudly on his chest….texting me THE RULES. “she can’t date any one without me meeting them first, she can’t go any where with any boy, she can’t go to church with you any more “. Yeah you read the last one request right. What he doesn’t realize is that  my daughter will go wherever I take her when she is with me and I will not keep Jerry from going to church what type of Christian would that make me?  This isn’t HIS battle and he isn’t going to be shit out of luck because HRH is being ignorant.

I asked my daughter later how the conversation went with her father. She pretty much stated what he told me about meeting the guy first and not being allowed to go to church with me and that she knows it’s her fault but yet I should have never allowed him to come over. HOLD THE PHONE……….excuse me?  “what do you mean I shouldn’t have let him come over ? you aren’t turning this around on me now are you?”. Of course she was……she then proceeded to tell me her father read her the text messages between the two of us but I really doubt he shared the ones of him tearing her down and me putting him in his place. She then said “you shouldn’t have kept texting him?” ………I sat at my desk in disbelief. She’s defending him……of course I told her that this was complete BS and that I told her last night to take care of this and have her father stop with his bullying but she was too tired….it wasn’t important enough at the time and again this morning when I told her to put a stop to it……but yet I’m suppose to let him insult my daughter and me?….not this time. I asked her one last time if she allowed him to continue to insult me in front of her and her answer was “well we will talk about this later”….no we wont….i knew he did, I know when she is trying to back pedal her way out of this. I just couldn’t believe that it somehow became by fault.

She has just proven to me that she’s not mature enough to have a boyfriend or see him ,  mickey mouse or Donald duck for that matter!!! And if she dares to open her mouth and talk in any negative way she can kiss going to Ventura with HRH this weekend.

Thank you Bethenney!!!!

“A Place of Yes” by Bethenney Frankel has to be one of the best sources of motivation  I’ve ever had and I’m not even through the first chapter. Bethenney gives it to you straight and with her swift kick in the rear with her matter of fact way of speaking it jump started with me not settling with my life as it is at the present time.

 I have always wanted to get a degree in Art and Sciences with my focus on Psychology ever since I was in junior high but never thought it was possible. At that time I wanted to be just like Marlena from Days of our Lives but without the drama of Stefano lurking in the corners but when I would tell my parents about my aspiration on becoming a therapist I just heard snickers and comments such as “you can’t do that or you’re not smart enough”…..after hearing the laughter of my suggestion long enough I just reverted my desire to be the one my friends would go to  regarding their problems.

Now here I am 37 sitting in a cubicle from 8-5 not feeling satisfied with where my life is going. Do I want to be in the same seat 20 years from now typing on the same keyboard, looking at the same screen…sitting in the same chair? No I do not. I see others here that have been content doing just that and that’s what is good for them and even though my job is good for me “right now” it won’t be years to come…. I want to be SOMEONE in this company and most importantly I want to be SOMEONE to ME.

So I registered for college yesterday and will be meeting with an adviser this afternoon to work towards my degree and I’m excited for my future. I told the Mister what I was planning on doing and he just didn’t understand why I wanted to go to school and get a degree in this field. He stated that I could go far in my department without a degree and one day be in my bosses position. I laughed ……I seriously don’t want her position plus I already have a feeling who is taking on that spot when she leaves and who that persons right hand man (well woman) is going to be. Even so I’m a newbie to these veterans with 10 plus years behind them in this department. None the less I didn’t feel the support from the Mister but it doesn’t matter I am in the right mind set to get it done. Yes I know the road ahead will be long and challenging but I need to do this for me and no one else!! 

It's all about being in that place of YES!!!

I will blog if i want to

 

 “We need to talk” the mister said to me early Saturday morning.  Now when the mister wants to talk it starts with 20 questions directed to me which is really annoying especially early in the morning. I told him I’m not answering his questions……he wanted to talk so TALK, because in the past when I played this  20 question game his direction of the conversation changes to better suit the situation. He began to mention my “blog”…yes the one you are reading right now. He stated that he doesn’t want me to write about our personal life anymore. “ohhhh here we go !” I thought, …….he then proceeded to tell me that he knows an ex of mine is reading it and he doesn’t feel “comfortable” with him knowing our personal business. Of course I wasn’t happy with where this talk was going. I explained that this was my outlet and he was ok with this when I first started.  He then stated he was fine with me writing but I couldn’t talk about our personal life and if I wanted to blog I could do so on Facebook. I then questioned “so you want me to write on facebook about what I write about here? You want my friends, your friends, my family to know about our marriage issues?” …….he then changed his tone. 

I blog as a release; My blog is an honest expression of me in all sense of the word…… the good, the bad and the unexpected. The blog world is unlike facebook or myspace. You can be as anonymous as you want or involved in many levels of the  blogging  communities…unless you become part of blogger get togethers you are pretty much strangers to one another who share the same interest which is blogging. 

I continued to tell the mister that I like being able to connect with other women that may be going through the same things, it's not only helpful but theraputic .......

It's simple.....I'm going to continue to write. He does have a choice.......to read or not to read.

By the way you're out of milk

With our marriage counseling appointment looming over my head like a dark cloud and the possibility of heading back to singlesville if this doesn’t work out just fills me with anxiety. I try to avoid the breakroom at all costs because it’s a cesspool full of drama but I couldn’t avoid it today so there I sat trying to emerge myself in my book but  I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two co-workers, both single and both complaining about men.

One is at a crossroads, she enjoys being single but keeps hearing from an ex boyfriend. Not all the time it’s more like random hellos and at times will leave a message for her on facebook or even email her but when she responds she won’t hear from him for a week or two. When he does resurface he tells her he misses her , thinks of her often and wants to see her. She’s very hesitant to open that chapter up but is always drawn back to the good times they had. Sucker, I thought to myself. She told her friend that a couple weeks ago she mentioned to him that she was going to go for a run at the park and would love to see him before he headed off camping. He didn’t show.  “but I thought he missed you and wanted to see you?”…..my big mouth interjected.  She thought so to, but told us this wasn’t the first time he was a no show. “he’s playing a mind game with you girl” my other co-worker stated. We all silently nodded.  “have you heard from him since?” I asked as I closed my book up. She told us she received messages of endearment and longing and telling her that her silence is heartbreaking just like before but knows it’s just some childish game he is enjoying playing, then she told us that she had visited his facebook page a couple times and noticed that he has been in contact with another ex girlfriend with a recent message from her stating “oh by the way you’re out of milk”. I knew instantly that this was just a guy who was just out to play “the game”. “Seriously how old does a guy have to be when he will stop playing the game?” I guess this is a question just as loaded as “Does bigfoot really exist?. 

When I got back to my desk part of me felt relieved that I didn’t have to deal with issues in singlesville……dating, the game, prepping…..just the thought made me hope that we have a excellent counselor who will help us deal with our many issues in this crumbling marriage and to save us from singlesville.

I'm 37 NOT 67

So for a few months now I’ve been questioning whether or not I should go to the doctors in regards to some rather peculiar symptoms that have been making themselves known; but of course several reasons have stopped me from doing this. One being that I will wait it out hoping it will go away and second I don’t want to seem like a hypochondriac aka. Mommy dearest. So I go on WebMd to self diagnosis myself….sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. 

In the last few months,  I would get my period think it's done but it would soon show itself day after day after day, with no end in sight....spotting. Waking up hot as hell but  I contributed it to summer and living in the California desert  but when others around me aren’t sweating and are able to sleep comfortably I just  figured I would move the fan closer and dress lighter, recently after taking showers (cold/lukewarm) I will start drying off and prepping my make up and all of a sudden I’m hot and sweating again. I decide to apply my make up in another room …..a much cooler room…..and to no avail that doesn’t help.  It doesn’t occur to me that these short a brief heated moments, irregular periods  could be menopause related until I overheard some of the older women in the office talk about their menopause experiences. “it couldn’t be that, I’m 37 not 67” I thought to myself….. I quickly pulled up webmd and typed in menopause after reading the symptoms I felt a bit of relief because although I was getting these burst of hotness I was still getting my period, but then I read on. Premature Menopause…what the heck is that? And why does it say that signs can show before the age of 40!!  So as I read I’m checking off the symptoms…..don’t got that….got that….nope….yep….urghh yep…..nope…..as I continue reading I see that if your mother had premature menopause then you are likely to get it to. Then it clicks…….I remember mommy dearest going into the hospital to “have everything removed” as she put it when I was very young. …but why? She never told me why? I knew she was extremely moody but that should have stopped after the fact so that wasn’t it. I couldn’t just call her and ask  because I really didn’t feel like “sharing” my symptoms with someone …..well sharing it with HER.  So I enlisted my sister to do the dirty work and when she reported back she stated that she had issues with her bladder-incontinence I assume which was on the list and experiencing some menopausal symptoms. My sister and I began to find some humor in our fate but even though she and WebMd suggested to go see a doctor to have blood work done….I’m still in a bit of denial that this is what is happening. I’m only 37 and as much of a delight it would be not to have my period every month.......I'm not looking forward to the intense hot flashes, sleepless nights and mood swings. 

 

Royal Wedding Junkie

I’m admitting that I am a Royal Wedding junkie!! I had requested 4/29/11 off from work when we all found out the exact date of the wedding. I have been watching special after special just soaking up the journey of their courtship. I guess I’m just fascinated by the new royal couple is because I remember as a little girl watching the wedding of Charles and Diana sitting with my mom just in awe of all the royalty hoopla …..As an adult I follow the news because I grew up watching Diana, Prince William and Harry. We all did really. Some of us mourned Diana’s death and know exactly where we were at when we heard the news……now watching her son get married to his “princess” I feel she will be watching down on her son on his special day!! 

Five things to watch for at the royal wedding

1. the dress ....big mystery

2. The guests , will Elton be placed by Kanye??

3. The kiss , we know there will be no kiss at the alter but on the balcony of Buckingham Palace

4. Harrys Date , will he bring Chelsey???

5. The Vows .... will they play it safe or will they pull out the stops and write their own vows?

Rocky Candy Music & More

Ever wonder what happened to your favorite record that you would play over and over again back in the day? Yeah I know now a days you can find all your favorites either online or on a CD…….but the smell and sound of a vinyl can’t compare to the smell and sound of a CD, right?. The smell can bring back memories and for me hearing Rick Springfields “Jessies Girl or Don’t talk to Strangers” takes me to when I was a little girl in pig tails singing and dancing in my room  or when I see the Go Go’s record it brings me back to when I had left my record outside and it got warped from the sun, I no longer could pretend that I was one of them and sing to “Our Lips are Sealed”.

Now I can relieve my “olden” days by going to Rock Candy Music and More in Santa Clarita, Ca. A close friend of mine, Melissa and her husband left corporate America and decided to do something that they love, which was to open a store that focuses on music…and more. They started a small independent record store that caters to music fans …. They have everything from Vinyl LPs, new and used CD’s, DVD’s, retro toys, retro candy, t-shirts, posters, jewelry, candles and spiritual décor.  The most amazing thing about this store is they let local songwriters and bands have a chance to promote their music. My friends spotlight local bands and singers during the week and feature Acoustic Saturday nights...... so you can come by, enjoy music and roam the store and come across some of your own blast from the past while meeting some awesome people such as Melissa and Billy the owners of Rock Candy Music and More.

So if you ever find yourself heading towards Santa Clarita or just want to take a drive to visit a store that will take you back in time….this is a must STOP!!!  You won’t regret it…..it’s so worth the gas!! 

Click here to visit their site :Rock Candy Music and More

Located in the Bouquet Canyon & Plum Canyon Shopping Center.
28124 Bouquet Canyon Road - Saugus, CA 91350
Tel: 661.263.9800

Fireproof - The Movie

For the past year I've been hearing about the movie Fireproof from family and friends and how wonderful this movie is. All I knew about the movie was it featured  a couple dealing with their failing marriage and the journey back to one another.....honestly the reason why I didn't want to watch it a year ago was because I knew it would hit too close to home. The Mister and I were under going our own journey so I just didn't want to see some movie that would just have me in tears and bring up some unnecessary conversation.

So last night since we were kidless the Mister and I decided to watch it. I couldn't believe how right on this movie was.It hit on arguements over jobs, finances, housework , outside interests, boundaries and addiction.

Close to enter into divorce proceedings, Caleb's (Kirk Cameron) father callenges him to commit to a 40-day experient" THE LOVE DARE" and he agrees for his fathers sake more than for his marriage. He definately discovers the callenges which are tied to his limited faith.The He said She said clips brought back memories and the feeling of helplessness the characters encountered hit too close to home.  What I loved about this movie , the part that really started the tears to flow was when Caleb grew frustrated because he wasn't seeing the results as he had hoped and asked his father "How am I suppose to show love to somebody who constantly rejects me?" and then the father boldly told him that the Lord continues to show him love even when he has rejected him for years. The father explained to Caleb  that he needed the Lord no matter if he thought so or not and once HE GOT IT and broke down , his arrogance was shattered by his faith and in time everything started to turn around. Yeah....he had struggles, he wanted to give up many times but he learned patience and love not only for his wife but for the Lord.

This was an amazing movie and a must watch for couples. You will see yourself more than a few times in each of the main characters and it will also give you insight on your own marriage ....strong or not. 

DMV ----I have to take a ...what???

Yesterday I had to go to the DMV, imagine my surprise when I was told that I had to take a written test to replace my license. “Seriously?” I asked the obviously irritated DMV employee…she looked at me like she wasn’t in the mood and said “yes…here’s your test, just do side one…and come back when you are done”.  GREAT!! The last time I had to take this test was when I was 16 and ironically at the same place. So I grabbed my stupid test and headed to a counter.  “What if I fail?...how am I going to explain this one to my children and husband”….I tried to calm down and began to take the dang test.  I knew I should have gone with my first instinct and not analyze every question, but I was looking for that trick question.

I stepped back in line, test in hand and the fate of my license standing in front of me looking through her bi-focals.  She takes her red pen and the answer sheet and started going through the test…..1 wrong, 2 wrong, 3 wrong, ……..4 wrong. ….she looked up at me and said “you didn’t pass”………….WHAT!!!!! shit shit shit……then, she said “but you can take it again today, here’s a book, read up and then come back when you are ready.”

I looked at the red marked test and the questions I over thought were the ones I got wrong. So I took my seat and read the stupid DMV handbook. Not ready to take the test quite yet I met the Mister and took him to work and then…..headed back to the DMV to take the test. Standing back in line, I grabbed my cell phone and instantly got yelled at “LADY LADY…you can’t use your cell while you are in line”….seriously what am I going to do?? I have no test in hand YET!!! ….whatever, I finally got to the front and received my test. I took a deep breath and headed into the test area……….geez, you could cut the tension with a knife in there.  There was even a man that was trying to peek at my answers “dude they give us different tests you dumbass” I wanted to say….but I didn’t want the security guard who was watching us to tell us that talking was an instant fail!!  I took my time, reread the test….said a zillion prayers and then went back in line.

The lady grabbed my test and looked it over……red pen in hand she started marking …..check, check …….check…..  3 wrong, you PASSED, sign here…… I signed that sheet so fast, thanked GOD and got out of there so fast!!!