When I woke up this morning I
knew what day it was but I tried to not acknowledge it. I went about my morning
routine-took the dogs out, bowls full, Shower, picked the house up from the
dogs rough housing this morning, took my blankets and pillow from the couch to
my bedroom (lately I’ve felt more comfortable there), I caught myself
occasionally touching that ring that wasn’t there on my finger, instead
there that indention of a ring that once was. I kept stating my must do list to
myself just so I could stay on track. Crap, I have ten minutes to get to work,
where did the time go.
On my way to work I gave
myself a little pep talk “ keep it together, don’t show them that you
are down, don’t show weakness, focus on the tasks at hand, when a thought
of the moment comes into your head banish it quick, work hard today, theres no
need for interference”. I’m pumped, I’m together and when I
sit down at my desk my boss comes to me and in front of the office says
“Happy Anniversary!” and pats me on my shoulder. “uhm
thanks” I said and logged into my computer, trying to hold it together.
“Why did she have to mention that, why after all she knows regarding what
happened, why would she say that?” Within minutes by pep talk vanished
from my head, clueless co-workers would stop me in the break room or bathroom
asking how my weekend to San Fran went or asking if I was receiving flowers
today or doing anything special. Those moments I just wanted to click my heels
together I say “I want to go home, I want to go home”, or yell to
Scotty to “Beam me up”! But I’m not that lucky. I pacified
their questions with an “ohh I don’t know” or “it was a
nice weekend” (when it wasn’t) and hurried my way back to the
safety of my cubicle. That’s when it hit…….that tonight I
will be enjoying a Lean Cusine for dinner and a glass of wine ALONE, while he
will be surrounded by his mommy and daddy getting sympathy or contacting some
old acquaintances looking for attention.
See that’s were we are
different. He will call people, mostly women to fill his void during troubling
times it sort of reminds me of the time he got fired from a previous job.
Somehow having them hear his side validates his actions, gives him a sense of
“some one cares”. Where I close up and this is my only outlet. I
don’t pull out my phone and feel the need to share the situation, I
don’t NEED to include our friends, family and acquaintances in on this
matter. I don’t even like talking to my good friends, sister, cousin or
parents about it. They don’t need to be sucked into the
drama……………and I know that they are just concerned
but I don’t want to talk about it. I already know that the wall that was
broken down is now up around me, it’s even stronger than before.
I’m full of so many different emotions that I can’t make sense of
them all.
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