Friday Five Ode to Cubeville

1. Thank God It's Friday
2. Tension can be felt between the follow-up girls and patient service girls....it's almost like the Jets and the Sharks...i'm just waiting for someone to cue the music so there can be singing and dancing down the aisle!!
3. Can't wait to take this ear piece off my ear and give my right ear a break from having to endure screaming people day in and day out!!
4. I'm at the front desk today...pretty much I'm like the Walmart greeter but not as chipper.....well not today this migraine is kicking my ass.
5. I keep getting looks by one of the Jet member  (aka follow up girls).... "i'm not scared of you" I want to say.....plus after our little conversation yesterday i think she's pretty much taken back that this quiet girl can bring it like the rest of them.................and she calls herself a New Yorker!!!

Waiting for a SIGN

 

I support my children in every way possible. I even support there silly hobbies or sudden interest in the latest fad but what I don’t quite understand fully is my oldest daughters view on relationships.

I have a lot of respect for her, she is only 19 and her faith in God is at the highest of priority and always has been. Her goals for her future have been set in stone since she was a little girl. She is putting herself through college and has impressed us all!! But the only thing that she hasn’t experienced is LOVE, she has never dated and this is where her and her sister are at odds.

I wouldn’t say she has “old school beliefs” it’s more like "old world" beliefs. She believes that she will know whom she will marry when she sees the man. That she was raised that the man she will date will be the man she will marry and that her sister needs to stop having these “flings” with boys if she has no desire to marry them.  

Now when she states this was how she was raised….well I know I never said anything of the sort to her and her father wouldn’t have said this because he was way too busy with his “flings” before and after we were married. So unless she was transported back to the 1800’s or some Amish country in a night,  I’m not certain how she has come to way of thinking.

I just fear that she believes that it’s going to be like the movies or like the characters in her pioneer / Amish Christian books where there is one boy and one girl and WHAMMO happily ever after. No guy is going to stand holding up a sign saying “I’ve been sent here from God  I’m the one”. That’s not how it is , it’s not as simple and G rated as she thinks.  I wish it was but it’s not.  Theres a lot involved and yes theres no problem with meeting a guy, becoming friends ……eventually date with that little giddy girl feeling anticipating the possibility of marriage and see if you two are compatible to withstand a lifetime of marriage.  

I see her give her sister advice about relationships.......but as i keep my mouth shut i ponder "shouldn't you experience a relationship and love before you start dishing out advice on relationships".....her sister tries to debate her side but theres no wining in this scenario. 

Please stop the ride

 

The merry go round called my life never stops and what I mean by that is as you read in the previous blog; a rule has been put in place by my ex husband.. aka His Royal Highness when the kids were 5 years old. This rule is that our children if they choose to date have to introduce their boyfriend or girlfriend to him FIRST.  Tuesday was the first time I heard of this ludicrous rule but to calm the waters I agreed to respect this off the wall rule......seriously what does it matter who meets them first....ohhh wait, he claims to have a sixth sense and can tell if they are playing him or not. OK.

This morning my daughters boyfriend asked me if he could see my daughter. I explained to him that he cannot see her until he shakes his royal highness hand (ex husband).  Awhile later he tells me that he is going to meet with HRH tomorrow…..ok good I thought. Then I get a message from Jerry stating that HRH said it was ok for him to see my daughter today. I told him that no he is not going to see her until he meets with my ex tomorrow.

So to just pull this all together for you………….HRH had his panties in a bunch for the last day and a half, caused a bunch of havoc to only go back on his rule today. HELL NO!! so I texted him a nice message and by nice I mean…..to the point with a pinch of edgy bitchness to it. He advised me to call and call I did. In pure royal highness fashion he wanted to take control of the situation but I wasn’t going to have it. I told him he will listen first. I told him that he needs to explain why he would throw a fit and cause chaos to only over turn his rule. He stated “I can change my rule whenever I want to”……………my mouth was to quick for my head to process what came out next. “well next time you want to tweak your rule please send out a fucking memo!” He claimed since he was going to meet with him tomorrow then he didn’t want to seem like a dick and allowed for him to see her. ……..well 1. You are a Dick and 2. There is no way I’m going to allow that because some how some way it will  it will find its way back to me, bit me in the ass and I will be at fault. 

I explained his rule will stand as is and as far as him banning my daughter from going to church with me I clearly stated that if she is with me on Saturday and we choose to go that evening she will be going and Jerry will be going as well. He then turned the conversation into a religious issue………..he proceeded to explain that if she was a true catholic then any guy she plans to marry will have to become catholic because she would not be able to get married in a catholic church. I explained to him that he doesn’t need to give me a quick class in catholism considering I am one ……………I also threw out the question “so what happens if she falls in love with a jewish man? You do know he will not change his religious beliefs for her she will change for him?”  of course he wasn’t having it but I was saved by the bell!!! The lunch bell ……… I told him it was time for me to take my lunch and had to leave.

It comes down to the simple fact of him being a control freak and because he doesn’t wear the pants in his home he needs to control his children and try to control situations and others around him by his arrogant “I know all because I went to college” attitude. (mind you he went to school to be a PE coach).

Now how is this my fault

"It’s your fault to mom, you shouldn’t have allowed me to have him over”. Excuse me ? now how in the world has this turned into my fault?

Let me explain……

I’m not sure If I ever mentioned that I was once married for a brief 5 years back when I was 18. “His royal highness” and I had 3 children and for reasons I don’t want to bring up now …..we filed for divorce….he moved on and dated a stripper and I moved to the chilly Midwest with my 2 little girls and a bun in the oven.

Now….unfortunately we now live in the same town that we grew up in and we both raise our children………separately of course. Our style of raising our children can be at times a battle…….and looking at the calendar I guess another round was due. This time it involves our 17 yr old daughter. 

So from what I gather from all this chaos is  when she was 5 years old she made an agreement with “his royal highness” that when she would start dating that she would introduce her boyfriend to him first. YES you read that right….she was 5!!!  Now she is 17 and this is the first time I have ever heard of the ridiculous agreement. I want to see the contract ……and her signature that would probably be scribbled in crayon.

Last night I asked “His Royal Highness” to make sure he dropped the kids off at my house at 12, of course there was issues with that request but I didn’t let him steal my joy. Then he wanted to know if I knew that our daughter had a boyfriend. I told him that yes I knew she was dating Jerry and that I thought he was a good kid….plus he’s been attending church with us because his parents don’t believe in God and he was questioning his faith so we invited him to go with us. ---- I had no clue that I was about to step into a world of chaos.

My daughters boyfriend was sitting on her fathers curb a few days ago. “HRH” was outside watering flowers but assumed that this kid outside was just someone from the neighborhood and when he asked my kids (who were inside) if they knew him they said no. It wasn’t until Jerry texted my daughter to come outside that they realized who was sitting out on the curb. -----Now, if some kid was sitting outside on my curb for 30 minutes I know I would ask the kid if everything was ok and ask what he wanted with my daughter, but that’s just me----So HRH kept stating that this kid was a coward and that I’ve disrespected him by not telling him about this boyfriend. He pretty much took it to a personal level and started to compare our teenage encounters to her which was totally of base. 1. She’s not pregnant 2. She’s still a virgin and 3. She has made a vow to wait till she is married to have sex…………. . It came to a point beyond ridiculous  and LATE. I told him this is NOT our battle it’s between her and him and there has to be a reason why she feels she can’t bring anyone to his house and that he has to work on his relationship with his daughter and leave me out of it and stop the mud slinging.  Of course in RH fashion he kept going, but picked it back up this morning at 8:30 with his fists beating loudly on his chest….texting me THE RULES. “she can’t date any one without me meeting them first, she can’t go any where with any boy, she can’t go to church with you any more “. Yeah you read the last one request right. What he doesn’t realize is that  my daughter will go wherever I take her when she is with me and I will not keep Jerry from going to church what type of Christian would that make me?  This isn’t HIS battle and he isn’t going to be shit out of luck because HRH is being ignorant.

I asked my daughter later how the conversation went with her father. She pretty much stated what he told me about meeting the guy first and not being allowed to go to church with me and that she knows it’s her fault but yet I should have never allowed him to come over. HOLD THE PHONE……….excuse me?  “what do you mean I shouldn’t have let him come over ? you aren’t turning this around on me now are you?”. Of course she was……she then proceeded to tell me her father read her the text messages between the two of us but I really doubt he shared the ones of him tearing her down and me putting him in his place. She then said “you shouldn’t have kept texting him?” ………I sat at my desk in disbelief. She’s defending him……of course I told her that this was complete BS and that I told her last night to take care of this and have her father stop with his bullying but she was too tired….it wasn’t important enough at the time and again this morning when I told her to put a stop to it……but yet I’m suppose to let him insult my daughter and me?….not this time. I asked her one last time if she allowed him to continue to insult me in front of her and her answer was “well we will talk about this later”….no we wont….i knew he did, I know when she is trying to back pedal her way out of this. I just couldn’t believe that it somehow became by fault.

She has just proven to me that she’s not mature enough to have a boyfriend or see him ,  mickey mouse or Donald duck for that matter!!! And if she dares to open her mouth and talk in any negative way she can kiss going to Ventura with HRH this weekend.

Thank you Bethenney!!!!

“A Place of Yes” by Bethenney Frankel has to be one of the best sources of motivation  I’ve ever had and I’m not even through the first chapter. Bethenney gives it to you straight and with her swift kick in the rear with her matter of fact way of speaking it jump started with me not settling with my life as it is at the present time.

 I have always wanted to get a degree in Art and Sciences with my focus on Psychology ever since I was in junior high but never thought it was possible. At that time I wanted to be just like Marlena from Days of our Lives but without the drama of Stefano lurking in the corners but when I would tell my parents about my aspiration on becoming a therapist I just heard snickers and comments such as “you can’t do that or you’re not smart enough”…..after hearing the laughter of my suggestion long enough I just reverted my desire to be the one my friends would go to  regarding their problems.

Now here I am 37 sitting in a cubicle from 8-5 not feeling satisfied with where my life is going. Do I want to be in the same seat 20 years from now typing on the same keyboard, looking at the same screen…sitting in the same chair? No I do not. I see others here that have been content doing just that and that’s what is good for them and even though my job is good for me “right now” it won’t be years to come…. I want to be SOMEONE in this company and most importantly I want to be SOMEONE to ME.

So I registered for college yesterday and will be meeting with an adviser this afternoon to work towards my degree and I’m excited for my future. I told the Mister what I was planning on doing and he just didn’t understand why I wanted to go to school and get a degree in this field. He stated that I could go far in my department without a degree and one day be in my bosses position. I laughed ……I seriously don’t want her position plus I already have a feeling who is taking on that spot when she leaves and who that persons right hand man (well woman) is going to be. Even so I’m a newbie to these veterans with 10 plus years behind them in this department. None the less I didn’t feel the support from the Mister but it doesn’t matter I am in the right mind set to get it done. Yes I know the road ahead will be long and challenging but I need to do this for me and no one else!! 

It's all about being in that place of YES!!!

Seriously do you know what time it is?

The house was spotless and dinner was in the oven……….what a nice change then to come home to chaos. Who knew when I walked in from a long day at work that chaos would soon follow. Clean house or not. 

I did acknowledge to the Mister that the house looked nice but inside I was thinking “why the heck are you praising him for cleaning his own home this should be done no matter what he doesn’t have a 8-5, 5 day a week job” but men need to be acknowledged for doing the expected just so they can beat their chest when we aren’t looking.  As the evening progressed I noticed he was quite fidgety and quiet and when he gets this way I know there is a “TALK” looming in the air but when it’s going to happen is a mystery. Hours go by, I ask….but nothing. During the Marriage Ref I asked again…..I was ready to make the talk happen regardless during the Bachelorette because he’s inability to get comfy and settle down was just as annoying as Ryan’s return……….still nothing.

I headed to bed without saying a word and woke up around 1:30am to see that the front room light was still on. “WTF wasn’t our bill high enough that he had to forget to turn it off”. I walked in to see him fiddling around with his lap top and when I asked what he was doing I got yelled at. NICE……so I said a few choice words and headed back to bed and of course he followed.  I asked what was his problem and of course he turned it around on me “what is your …..problem”…..I thought to myself “the only problem that I am having at this moment is that you are going to want to TALK right now and it’s 1:30 “……………………………and I was right.

“you want to know whats wrong with me?” the MISTER boldly asked. ….. “Yes, please share with me at 1:30 in the morning what your problem is so I can apologize and bow down to you” is what I WANTED to say……but I think I said something like “yes and please hurry the F up because its 1:30 in the morning and one of us has to work in a few hours and I don’t get the luxury of sleeping in”.  He then started to tell me that I’m not affectionate at all and that in the last 3 days he’s been unable to sleep because I don’t cuddle with him, hold his hand, say I love you, kiss on him, that I am more affectionate to my dogs than I am to him and he feels like he is ranked last in my life………………NOW, here’s one thing about me if you want to fight with me at 1:30 in the morning prepare to get the raw and not caring how you feel truth because obviously you didn’t care or respect me  enough to talk to me about your “ISSUE” when I was AWAKE!!! 

“You want to know why I am not affectionate with you? well it’s because I don’t know how to be affectionate with you anymore” I said truthfully.  “What do you mean you don’t know how to be affectionate with me?” he asked.  I told him that in the past after we had a fight it would take me a few days to brush off the harsh words, move on and back in arms I’d go……………..after awhile fights would happen, harsher words would be shared between us and it became harder to forget being told I wasn’t a loving person, that he wanted a divorce, that I’m an awful person, a bully, controlling, my heart is made out of stone and threatening me with his fist I found it extremely hard to hold his hand, kiss him good night, cuddle with him because why would I want to be affectionate to a person who thinks all these things about me and even though he said he didn’t mean it…………he said it do hurt me and in comes down to being scared emotionally of him…that wall is up!  He then has the nerve to say “well I’m scared of you, you’ve thrown things”…………… “yes and that was 2 years ago before counseling, before learning the tools to control my frustration and anger………which is something you didn’t learn when we saw the counselor” I yelled back at him.  He yelled some more and I argued back, he insisted I take the wall down or else it will be the end of us!! ……………ohhh another wonderful threat of the end of our marriage. I told him that we can discuss all this in counseling next month on the 22^nd and now I had to go to sleep because it’s NOW 2:15am.  From what I remember we went round and round for another 10 minutes until he stood up and said we were done!

Fine…good ……good night…..I grabbed my puppy, pulled my blanket close and went to sleep…..but I did mumble a disclosure……I warned I will be TIRED all day and don’t expect me to be talkative. 

I will blog if i want to

 

 “We need to talk” the mister said to me early Saturday morning.  Now when the mister wants to talk it starts with 20 questions directed to me which is really annoying especially early in the morning. I told him I’m not answering his questions……he wanted to talk so TALK, because in the past when I played this  20 question game his direction of the conversation changes to better suit the situation. He began to mention my “blog”…yes the one you are reading right now. He stated that he doesn’t want me to write about our personal life anymore. “ohhhh here we go !” I thought, …….he then proceeded to tell me that he knows an ex of mine is reading it and he doesn’t feel “comfortable” with him knowing our personal business. Of course I wasn’t happy with where this talk was going. I explained that this was my outlet and he was ok with this when I first started.  He then stated he was fine with me writing but I couldn’t talk about our personal life and if I wanted to blog I could do so on Facebook. I then questioned “so you want me to write on facebook about what I write about here? You want my friends, your friends, my family to know about our marriage issues?” …….he then changed his tone. 

I blog as a release; My blog is an honest expression of me in all sense of the word…… the good, the bad and the unexpected. The blog world is unlike facebook or myspace. You can be as anonymous as you want or involved in many levels of the  blogging  communities…unless you become part of blogger get togethers you are pretty much strangers to one another who share the same interest which is blogging. 

I continued to tell the mister that I like being able to connect with other women that may be going through the same things, it's not only helpful but theraputic .......

It's simple.....I'm going to continue to write. He does have a choice.......to read or not to read.

How do you motivate a 17 yr old

All my 17yr old has to do is get a job and then the car is hers. Now do you think she’s pounding the payment looking for work during her summer break? Nope. It seems as though she is content with sleeping in, texting or playing on her computer. It just baffles me that she has no drive to make this happen it’s not like I just sprung it on her either, she’s known for a year and the only conditions where grades above a C and a job so she can pay for gas.

My car is paid for and runs great. It’s a perfect starter car. I even made it easier for her too…..i bought another car and I love my explorer. Now……the ball is in her court. I asked her about her lack of motivation and she just gets so defensive and then I hear it “we are in a recession no one is hiring, everyone is looking for work ….i went and looked on Monday and some places you have to be 18”. I asked her about the 2 taco bell applications I picked up for her and she said “I don’t want to work at Taco Bell!”….well honey beggers can’t be choosers. If you want my car then you better work on getting a job wherever…….if not then I will sell it. Well she didn’t like that but hey “we’re in a recession!” is what I should have said. 

I just don’t get teens these days………their lack of drive to at least grab onto some independence. I remember I couldn’t wait to get my license and new found freedom when I was allowed to drive my mothers car.Well....now her brother is inching closer to to becoming 16 and soon it will be him driving her around in what would have been "her car". 

What do they really learn in auto shop?

I recently watched Bridesmaids, It’s close to being the women’s version of the Hangover…..and it’s just hilarious!!  A scene that had me in stitches because I found it to be so relatable for most women is when Kristen is in bed with Jon Hamm and he is fondling her breast, well maybe fondling isn’t the best word. I would say it looked more like kneading dough.  As he is trying to seduce her there she lies on her back with this look on her face. This look I think has been on our faces at least once in our lives…….it’s the look of “dude I’m not a car and those aren’t car parts!!”   

 

Another famous scene that cracks me up every time I see it is Sex and the City “The Catch” where Carrie gets together with Harrys best friend and experiences one of the worst sex experiences of her life!!!  I call it the jack rabbit episode or better yet “the first timer”…..the expression on her face was priceless.

Theres no way to stop these types of men during the act and give them a brief lesson to what makes a girl go “OOOOOhhhhhh”. It would totally bruise the mans ego but seriously where did they learn these moves? Was there a class in gym on the “how to’s” of handling a woman?” or did the teacher in auto shop make a comment about an engine just being like a woman’s body…..because I swear some just don’t have a clue when it comes to a womans anatomy.  At times I wanted to “flag” the page in their Mens Health magazine where it talks about “Where to touch a woman”. 

In all honesty…….my sex life with the Mister isn’t all that great, it’s pretty much nonexistent. Partly due to stress, weight gain and partly because I’m unable to get to that “Ohhhhh” state. Now, it hadn’t always been like that. At first it was good……………but that was because I was comfortable with myself and it was more about him getting off. Months later when we settled in, I realized that I really haven’t enjoyed myself to the fullest without the help of ME during the act…………..so months go by and I let him take the reign…..nothing…..he gets off and I don’t, I try to keep the frustration off my face …..Wait till he’s asleep and take care of business later.  At times he’ll attempt to get frisky but seriously the quick grope of the breast just turns me off. It’s like being back in high school when the guy is just experiencing breasts for the first time. When will they understand that we aren’t made like them…we don’t instantly get wet when they brush up against us or grab a breast or two. It takes a little bit of effort to get us to that point.  

Now you are probably thinking “have you told him this?” well in a roundabout way……but he takes it to the level of self pity which is not worth me explaining myself. For days I will hear “I feel so bad that I can’t please you”. Cry me a river…..but if men actually think about it………do we really want to be felt up the way you feel up your carburetor or flank steak? NO…..we have soft girly parts that need some attention and not just for a minute or two and then back to you. REMEMBER….. It’s not all about you……..and that’s why I stopped putting in the effort…………it’s been about HIM way too long. I use to enjoy “giving” in all sense of the word…..been when the receiving was so few and far between then….the giving stopped. For awhile I would do the duty just for the sake of being the “wife” but again why should I lay there, roll my eyes and make “to do lists” in my head when the end result is zero…me, score one for him!!!

Screw your damn intake

The mister and I were to attend what we thought was a counseling appointment the other day. We waited close to a month after the “orientation” for this appointment.

A month ago we had to attend a "orientation" pertaining to what we are to expect in counseling.  During that long hour and a half I couldn’t believe that I left work early to hear a man stand up in front of a bunch of unhappy couples barely making any sense explaining how happy couples survive. Seriously? This man stumbled around every other word and to me I swear he was on some heavy drugs. It took every ounce in me to stay seated and not storm out…..the only thing keeping me planted on that seat was the fear that I had to do this all over again. At the end he stated that we had to call the number listed on the card to make an appt. Done… 

One month later(earlier this week)

As we walked in the room I was ready to lay everything out there, then the man proceeded to say that this was our intake. “Our what?”…..he started to ask the Mister a stream of questions. Are you depressed? On what scale are you depressed? Did you grow up with available parents? Where they there for you emotionally ?  Do you drink if so how much? 30 minutes into it I’m thinking “you got to be kidding me?”. They could have saved time by giving us this paperwork and have us fill it out on our own in the dang waiting room.  The mister notices that I’m getting pretty inpatient about the whole ordeal because all I’m thinking is when do we get to the talking part! Then he turns to me and asks the same dang questions…………………..do you worry? Yes, who doesn’t you moron! , do you get plenty of sleep? Hmmm don’t you see the dark circles under my eyes? What keeps you from getting a full nights rest? I kept it short…finances, stress, work, kids, crumbling marriage! He continues, do you have a lot of stress in your life? Dude…seriously didn’t I just tell you, isn’t this YOUR job to listen. I just told you the reasons why I can’t sleep? Yes I have stress and from a scale of 1-10 it’s about an 8 ……and will be a 9 by the end of this meeting if there’s not going to be any counseling in a minute.  Were your parents there physically when you were growing up? Yes….. Were they there emotionally for you? hmmm….no and still aren’t. Do you have a couple hours?  But instead I gave him a snip-it to save us time and  finish this dumb  INTAKE. 

When he was done with me he sits back in his chair and says “ok you guys are able to make an appointment to see one of our counselors you have met the criteria”.  Excuse me? We passed what……the How Screwed Up You Are test? I could have told you that a month ago. I wanted to say but instead I looked at him and said “so basically we are screwed up enough to move on”.  After sharing several other classes that this place offers he walks us up front to set up an appointment.  “The earliest we can get you in is August 22^nd”…………”seriously? A month and a half”…..i turned and walked away leaving the Mister to deal with it.  I was HOT!! This place is a joke…..a month ago we waste time in a uncalled for orientation, I take time off from work just for some guy to ask us questions that I’m perfectly capable of filling out on paper and now…..we have to wait till the end of August just to be told what???  “ohhh you guys are more dysfunctional then we thought you need to meet with so and so” We walked into the elevator ……the Mister knowing that I was livid about the situation stayed quiet then as the doors shut I said “this is B.S what kind of place is this!!”

By the way you're out of milk

With our marriage counseling appointment looming over my head like a dark cloud and the possibility of heading back to singlesville if this doesn’t work out just fills me with anxiety. I try to avoid the breakroom at all costs because it’s a cesspool full of drama but I couldn’t avoid it today so there I sat trying to emerge myself in my book but  I couldn’t help but overhear a conversation between two co-workers, both single and both complaining about men.

One is at a crossroads, she enjoys being single but keeps hearing from an ex boyfriend. Not all the time it’s more like random hellos and at times will leave a message for her on facebook or even email her but when she responds she won’t hear from him for a week or two. When he does resurface he tells her he misses her , thinks of her often and wants to see her. She’s very hesitant to open that chapter up but is always drawn back to the good times they had. Sucker, I thought to myself. She told her friend that a couple weeks ago she mentioned to him that she was going to go for a run at the park and would love to see him before he headed off camping. He didn’t show.  “but I thought he missed you and wanted to see you?”…..my big mouth interjected.  She thought so to, but told us this wasn’t the first time he was a no show. “he’s playing a mind game with you girl” my other co-worker stated. We all silently nodded.  “have you heard from him since?” I asked as I closed my book up. She told us she received messages of endearment and longing and telling her that her silence is heartbreaking just like before but knows it’s just some childish game he is enjoying playing, then she told us that she had visited his facebook page a couple times and noticed that he has been in contact with another ex girlfriend with a recent message from her stating “oh by the way you’re out of milk”. I knew instantly that this was just a guy who was just out to play “the game”. “Seriously how old does a guy have to be when he will stop playing the game?” I guess this is a question just as loaded as “Does bigfoot really exist?. 

When I got back to my desk part of me felt relieved that I didn’t have to deal with issues in singlesville……dating, the game, prepping…..just the thought made me hope that we have a excellent counselor who will help us deal with our many issues in this crumbling marriage and to save us from singlesville.

I'm 37 NOT 67

So for a few months now I’ve been questioning whether or not I should go to the doctors in regards to some rather peculiar symptoms that have been making themselves known; but of course several reasons have stopped me from doing this. One being that I will wait it out hoping it will go away and second I don’t want to seem like a hypochondriac aka. Mommy dearest. So I go on WebMd to self diagnosis myself….sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. 

In the last few months,  I would get my period think it's done but it would soon show itself day after day after day, with no end in sight....spotting. Waking up hot as hell but  I contributed it to summer and living in the California desert  but when others around me aren’t sweating and are able to sleep comfortably I just  figured I would move the fan closer and dress lighter, recently after taking showers (cold/lukewarm) I will start drying off and prepping my make up and all of a sudden I’m hot and sweating again. I decide to apply my make up in another room …..a much cooler room…..and to no avail that doesn’t help.  It doesn’t occur to me that these short a brief heated moments, irregular periods  could be menopause related until I overheard some of the older women in the office talk about their menopause experiences. “it couldn’t be that, I’m 37 not 67” I thought to myself….. I quickly pulled up webmd and typed in menopause after reading the symptoms I felt a bit of relief because although I was getting these burst of hotness I was still getting my period, but then I read on. Premature Menopause…what the heck is that? And why does it say that signs can show before the age of 40!!  So as I read I’m checking off the symptoms…..don’t got that….got that….nope….yep….urghh yep…..nope…..as I continue reading I see that if your mother had premature menopause then you are likely to get it to. Then it clicks…….I remember mommy dearest going into the hospital to “have everything removed” as she put it when I was very young. …but why? She never told me why? I knew she was extremely moody but that should have stopped after the fact so that wasn’t it. I couldn’t just call her and ask  because I really didn’t feel like “sharing” my symptoms with someone …..well sharing it with HER.  So I enlisted my sister to do the dirty work and when she reported back she stated that she had issues with her bladder-incontinence I assume which was on the list and experiencing some menopausal symptoms. My sister and I began to find some humor in our fate but even though she and WebMd suggested to go see a doctor to have blood work done….I’m still in a bit of denial that this is what is happening. I’m only 37 and as much of a delight it would be not to have my period every month.......I'm not looking forward to the intense hot flashes, sleepless nights and mood swings. 

 

My daughters broken heart

I feel bad that my daughter had to experience the full on characteristics of a player so soon. Being 17 is never easy and of course she’s experienced the likings of a young player in the making through-out high school but this recent event really took her for surprise.  She got the taste of the typical wolf in sheep’s clothing just the other day and she was just taken back how she couldn’t see that one coming.

For the past few weeks she’s been helping her friend ….we’ll call him .....Brad ….He has been  having issues pertaining to a girl. It seems that this girl that he was head over heels for was playing games as well. She would pretend to be interested, have him give her rides, take her to the movies and then treat him horribly afterwards. He was simply perplexed with this head game and when he finally found out that she was interested in someone else he just cut his losses. My daughter was there to help pick up the pieces, hearing him vow that he would never be so cruel to someone like that. Their friendship grew stronger and they hung out from time to time. He alluded to her that he was interested in her and that maybe they could hang out this week and of course she was thrilled. To her he seemed to be that handsome guy who had a great heart  and who wouldn’t hurt a soul especially hers.

Yesterday she was hoping for her daily good morning message from Brad “Good Morning Beautiful”, but instead she got “I don’t want to talk to you ever again I’m getting back with my ex “. Dumbfounded she responded with grace. “I’m glad you are getting back together with your ex but why can’t we still be friends?”.  He just kept shutting her down “stop texting me”, “I don’t want to be friends with you”. She thought that this had to be the doings of his ex turned girlfriend.  Then …….she receives a text from her friend stating to not text Brad again. Now, she has no idea how her friend got wind of the recent turn of events, let alone telling her to stop texting Brad and that she will fill her in later. My daughter just sat for hours replaying conversations in her head, rereading text messages that were shared the previous night. How could she misread this? It was so black and white there was no room for loop holes or misunderstanding.

I explained to her that unfortunately some men have the capability of being pretending to be Prince charming, making it seem as though they were meant to be but out of no where he pulls the rug out from under you and you are left on the floor looking up at Captain Hook with sinister grin and all!! 

~~ it's time for ice cream, girly movies and toe nail polish 

Hanging on by a thread

With the marriage holding on barely by a thread we have decided to give counseling a try......again. How did we get to this point you ask? Well…..with the stress of finances and disconnecting on different levels of our relationship, a week can’t go by without some sort of stupid argument that escalates to a screaming match to where he either is in the face of my kids yelling and i'm in the middle telling him to back off.....because my kids won't back off when they know their mom has been disrespected,  or he’s raising a fist at me.  After our temper flare up it’s hard to have a civil conversation. I am stubborn and beyond stressed due to carrying the financial load and refuse to have my husband raise a hand at me in anger and when I bring this up he ALWAYS brings up that I have done the same. …..yes I say, but that was before learning how to deal with my temper in counseling a year and a half ago and I haven’t done that since. Considering he has to reach that far back to pull something out of his “you know what” is ridiculous.  I listened in counseling.....and know violence isn't the answer.

I’m not sure what these sessions are going to do for us. It’s not going to solve our financial issue, it’s not going to make him grow some balls and stand up to his employer and ask “you state I’m going to get my days back and to be patient….it’s been a month, when will I see myself on the schedule for more than 2 days?”.  It’s not going to put an end to his breastly anger….it may trap it for a few months like before, but it will resurface again….just give it time. I doubt it’s going to change the way I see him right now…..my respect in him is dwindling, I feel taken advantage of. Maybe it’s from the things that he has called me, maybe it’s because he states I had something to do with him getting fired from his previous job (i'm not the one who couldn't manage to get to work on time I'm not his mother and shouldn't tell him when he has to go to work) or maybe it’s because he can put me down in front of my children.

I'm not saying that I'm an angel and it's all his fault. Like I've said I have a temper and when push comes to shove my mouth will go off. I fear getting hurt and that insecurity comes out,  my stress just comes down to me holding up the household. I believe that if the man is capable of working then he should do everything and anything to support his family.  Not sit there and involve his children and tell them that I think he's a loser.......because I don't. I know that he is capable of supporting his family but for some reason to me he seems to be in a stagnate unmotivated state. I don't like knowing I am not giving 100% at work because I'm stressing over bills and having to ask for extensions for the utilities or having to worry about the state of my marriage. I never would have expected my husband to get in face to face heated matches with my children.......he needs to be the bigger person and walk away and not get into a screaming match with a teenager and then telling them that their mother is a asshole. I never would have thought he would have the nerve to blame me for losing his job......again, I'm not his mother and shouldn't have to tell him what his schedule is. He's an adult and should know his schedule......yes, it was stressful back then, we were planning our wedding.....but I still have my job and didn't forget when to come in. So to blame me for his lack of simple intelligence is shocking.

This isn’t the type of marriage I want to be in and even though he can sit down in front of me and cry and say he’s sorry….i just don’t buy it because I’ve heard it all before.  So  I’m not sure if this can be fixed, let alone be saved.  He states he loves me........and I love him but love is not going to save this marriage. Theres alot of components that make a strong marriage......but when the friendship is being questioned, respect is faltering and the structure is cracked......I can't see us coming back from this.

 

Simply not invited!

The last family reunion I attended was right before I left Wisconsin to move back to California. I have known that family reunions have come and gone with no invitations ever coming in the mail. I wasn’t really bothered because I knew I would see my family members…aunts…uncles…cousins at my sisters wedding renewal ceremony. That was 3 years ago.

During mommy and daddy dearest recent visit they happen to ask if I was going to the reunion. Perplexed I asked “what reunion?” , “ohh you didn’t get your invitation? I gave you them your address”.My mother said. My dad responded "oh we haven't received our invitation yet either".... Then the conversation dropped.  No mention of the reunion. I figured that it was probably in a couple months and I would see something pop in the mail soon. ….wrong. I was made aware 2 days ago by my sister that the reunion is this weekend and that she received the invitation last month and an email regarding the reunion.  This weekend!!!  I then go back to my conversation with M&D dearest and they never really told me when the reunion was and why would they ask if I was going to the reunion when they knew I hadn’t planned any trips to Illinois or Wisconsin, and knowing how they are, I truly doubt they gave my address or email address to anyone.

Would you have gone? Has been the question that’s been thrown around and in all honesty…..if I planned it right and the money was there then yes I would have went. I wouldn’t have gone to see M&D dearest, I would have gone to see my sister, nephews and other family members especially my cousins. It should have been my decision not the decision of my parents.

---God knows I need a vacation. 

I called the mister and told him that I emailed the lady who is putting on the reunion, just to make sure she was given my address like my parents had claimed. I also mentioned to the mister that if I had the money I would book a flight right now and head to the reunion this saturday. Then out of no where the mister says "is that why  you have alot of animosity towards me?"......I asked what was he talking about. He then says that he feels that because he isn't working much and money isn't coming in that I am upset with him because I can't go................OK excuse me!!  I wanted to say that is wasn't about him and for him to turn it around in that manner was completely unbelievable....but I kept my thoughts to myself and said he had nothing to do with this and I'm just annoyed because I never had the opportunity to think about it....and plan..... but the thought of being able to show up at the reunion and see the shock look on my parents faces would be priceless!!!

A visit from mommy and daddy dearest

I haven’t seen mommy and daddy dearest for 4 ½ years and about 2 weeks ago I received a call from daddy dearest he said that they were coming out for mommy dearests 50^th class reunion, to see her brothers and sister and they wanted to fit us in for a visit on Sunday before they leave on Monday. “Fit us in” huh…..that’s nice.   I told him that I would make sure the kids were home and that I do hope they keep their word and not disappoint their grandkids because they have promised visits before and they have choose other destinations.

So yesterday, the Mister, his kids , my kids and I met up with mommy and daddy dearest at a local restaurant.  The initial meet and greet was as uncomfortable as a gyno appt. My mother gave her usual fake “I’m happy to see you” hug…..which was icy and totally unnecessary and my father looked uninterested in the whole ordeal. He was probably just counting down to the next time he lights up a cigarette. My daughter and the Mister were the ones mainly conversing with them and when I would ask a question I received a one sentence answer. The mister later told me that you could cut the tension with a knife and that my mom had difficulty even trying to talk to me and he even agreed with me about daddy dearest…….he was just totally disconnected.

After lunch my kids and I joined mommy and daddy dearest at the mall and I couldn’t have planned what happened next any better. There by the shoes was my boss and I have never been this happy and relieved to see her. I approached her and introduced my parents…..now she’s heard pretty much the horror stories regarding them and recent events and without batting an eye she said “do you know how fabulous your daughter is?”….long pause turns to awkward pause…..finally my mom answers “yes we do”, then my boss turns to daddy dearest and says “you’re the retired police officer?”….he told her yes….then without skipping a beat she says “now I see where she gets her great work ethic!”. Minutes later  I said good bye to my boss and was impressed by her stellar performance all day!!  As the mall experience continued, daddy dearest couldn’t stop asking what we were here to get and I just told him my son had a gift card to get some clothes. ….we were only there for 30 minutes and headed out of the mall to another store where mommy dearest wanted to buy my daughter and I something…..daddy dearest decided to park under some shade, smoke and take a nap……nice for trying to bond with his family who he never sees.

When the shopping ended we headed out to our cars. They took pictures with their grandkids….and then we stood with that awkward silence, sometimes with a comment here or there for awhile. Finally we said good bye and the kids and I were headed home. The kids expressed to me that they felt a little awkward with the whole visit and really didn’t have much to say to them.  I told them that it was ok and it’s perfectly normal to feel disconnected to them because they don’t make it a point to be part of their lives.

As I look back at the visit I just remember the times my son would reach for my hand or hug me  in front of them and when my daughter would put her arm around me or joke  with me.  The way I interacted with my children is opposite of how things were like with me growing up and I wonder if mommy and daddy dearest noticed the love that my children and I have for each other. The hugs weren’t fake, the laughter wasn’t forced……….it was how it should have been for me growing up, but consciously I stopped the cycle and work hard to not make the same mistakes they did.

Just needed to vent

It’s come to the point that I’m actually looking for a second job. Not sure how I will muster up the extra energy to put in more hours after an 8 hour work day….but it’s got to be done. So I found myself revamping my career builder account and sending out some applications last night in hopes of getting a few calls to come in for an interview.

I’m just so tired of barely making it and with the Mister only getting 2-3 days a week at his job it just makes things even more difficult. It’s not like I want to be rolling in the dough, although I wouldn’t complain if I was. I just want to be able to sit back and not stress about not being able to pay a bill or two. I don’t like asking for extensions and I don’t like seeing those RED notices hanging on the door.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this. 

I understand that I’m not the only one in this predicament and that times are tough but I just would like it if the Mister was capable of bringing equal to or more than what I bring in……and here’s the thing, he is perfectly capable of bringing in the dough.  When I met him he was a manager of a restaurant, confident and happy but unfortunately a year later he lost his job…….things haven’t been the same and we really haven’t recovered financially. 

I just always thought that there would come a time when I wouldn't be the one solely taking care of the family.........in all honesty and somewhat selfishly I wanted to feel taken care of .... not in the REAL HOUSEWIVES sorta way but in the way where my husband has a 8-5 job monday thru friday.....or just a job working 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week. 

I have a feeling if he put the time and energy in to finding a good job he would feel more confident in himself and he would stop snapping at everyone.

Whats love got to do with it

It’s always nice to hear loving words come from the man you love…….and it’s always such a warm feeling when you are told that you are not a loving person from the one you love.  OK……lets see……

A person who isn’t loving wouldn’t have :

1.       Spent days sleeping on a inch thick springy hospital cot while he was recovering from surgery.

2.        Wouldn’t have made sure if was comfortable and entertained with books,movies and games while in the hospital

3.        Was at his beckon call for weeks at all hours of the day and night

4.        Works her butt off at work in order to keep a roof over the families head

5.        Was so concerned about the well being of his son that I got him counseling right after an issue rose.

6.        Wouldn’t be concerned about his parents well being for living in complete and utter mess they live in that I    sought help for them as well

7.        Wouldn’t make sure that his sons birthdays are memorable with decorations and a special day

8.        Wouldn’t ask about him and his day

9.        Wouldn’t sit and listen to him vent

10.     Wouldn’t care about him or his children.

But yet…..i’m not loving.